I need to write this post today. I needed to write it actually for several days now. First it was the back to work worries, then the personal life gloom looming over my head for quite some time. Weeks or months or years, I cant tell. But finally today is making me write this post.
I did something in the morning today. I said something out aloud. For the first time probably, I am not sure. Said it in front of kids. While tears came pouring out for the next few mins, I realized I felt so much better. Not sure what the next few years have in store for me, but just saying it out aloud just felt good because I think I may be one step closer to what I was thinking about. Something I have been thinking about for some time now. Its also my nightmare scenario, weird I am looking forward to my nightmare scenario. In a way, I need to, because the alternative sucks even more. Much much more. And that alternative is not what I want for my short short life.
So while I was crying, I was holding Abhi and he immediately stated crying too. Poor thing. He must have been so scared. I said sorry to him and cryingly he replies, “Its okay Amma”. And hugged me. Achu came upstairs to see what was happening. Adorably she was checking on Abhi first. Interestingly, Abhi and I, both were trying to hide tears from her. Dont know why. Before we came in, we both wiped our tears and were just hugging. “It’s okay”, she told me as well.
We were heading downstairs later, getting ready for school, and Abhi’s underwear was outside the bathroom. Achu asks him, “Abhi, Do you want me to put your underwear in the laundry box for you?”
Abhi replies, “Yes. Thank you Achu.”
Without anybody asking, she thought she should help him, because he was upset. How kind she is. And Abhi was doing the same to me. What sweet children I have. They are my weakness, because I worry about their future; But they are also my strength, because I know what they deserve.
And you know what I noticed after kids left. Instead of bawling my eyes out again, I was looking outside. It was raining and it was beautiful. For few minutes, I saw how beautiful it was. While driving to work, I saw an ambulance outside one of the offices and thought, oh! somebody is having a worse day than I am. I saw pics of wild fire destroyed homes in California and felt bad for them. At least, for now, I have a roof on my head. I dont know where these changes in me came from. I guess that is one of learnings life taught me. Earlier, I would be so depressed about what is happening, but today I finally feel I accepted it and am at peace. May be tomorrow I will feel different about future, but if today was an example, I think I will get to my peace, slowly.
Anyway, here is my cheer-up ending. We came back from a trip to Hawaii, said bye-bye to our summer decorations and bought the Halloween stuff out. Surprisingly, I am least interested in buying new decor now. I didn’t even do any furniture paintings this year. Just lost interest. Kids, however, still love these things and I think we will head to the store this weekend to buy more.
And then, Welcome Halloween.