Too long of a ‘Write all about it and try to let it go’ post. Skip if you don’t want to read about the sad side of my life.
So, when I originally wanted to write about this thing I have changed in my life, for my own good. I was very proud of it. It was called, ‘BEING ON MY OWN’. But then, I waited too long to get to writing it here and that made me realize all the crap it means. Soon enough, I started tying one thing to another and realized how all the crap is connected. I will, of course, try to just be happy about the one change but I do know now the related crap is still there and is bothering me very very much.
The one thing I could accomplish in a long time was doing things on my own. Well, not too many. But, say, shopping. I always had friends, family with me to come shopping. Always. Not once in many many years have I shopped alone. But, that has all changed. No friends. No family. Either wait for someone to accompany you or not shop. And I had to try really so hard to get over this. And I did. When I did, went shopping all by myself (For home décor, etc.), couple of times, first times were uneasy. But soon, I didn’t feel like it was big of a deal at all. It was simple. It was easy. Not having to explain what I was doing. How things would go together, etc. I so loved shopping by myself and was so proud of doing it. Of course, I am yet to go learn swimming, skating on my own. From my experience, may be its not that big of a deal too, but I didn’t take that step yet (Its been more than an year).
While I was happy at it, other things were creeping back up in my mind. How this actually means that I am more alone than I was before. The very minimal time spent was further reduced. Brought back another point that when I need some help, even when it is genuine help, no one is around. But I am there for others.
When P was living with us, sometimes, she would crib non-stop about things. And I had to tell her to let it go and be okay with what it is, blah, blah, blah. But then I would realize all the cribbing happens with me, but the fun shopping and movies are with others. Really? Murali is no different. Each time he insists on talking with me, is when he has something bothering him and he wants to talk and etc. Each time. Few times, he would specifically ask me if we can go have coffee and it would be about some project he did and how he was expecting some award, but someone got it. How this time he didn’t make it to the promotion. Or something else. When did I become this official crap taker from all? Our entire hike time during our last year hike was all about Murali’s job and what he needs to do. And its not that I mind listening to all this crap and giving them advice. Its about where are these people when I need them? I have really bad times at work too and mentioning them to Murali is utterly useless. Last year, I got promoted. I didn’t even mention it here, because it has become another depressing thing from me. You know why? Apparently Murali was expecting a promotion, he didn’t get it. And I wasn’t expecting it all and yet I did. So, he was feeling so bad that he said congratulations on WhatsApp and that’s all. Not even a smiley. Forget about a celebration. He was not even happy for me. If I was in his position, I would made such a big deal out of it, called for a party, celebration, hurrays’ etc. etc. Almost everyday, even now, there is something work related, I wish I could talk to someone, I know talking to Murali is still useless. I actually stopped talking about work with him altogether.
When I got in touch with my BFF last year and learnt about how her family (including a then 3 year old) survived a horrible bus crash, I cried so bad. Next day, I decided to tell P about it and hoped to be comforted. You know what she said? ‘Yeah. That’s how bus drivers in India drive’. And nothing else. Really? For all the crap I take from these people, these are my words of comfort? I was used to this kind of useless response from Murali already, so I quickly added her to the list of people I would never talk to again about things that bother me. Till date, when P pings me its about how is she worried about something. Recently, I stopped responding. I feel bad, but I cannot do it anymore.
I could go on and on about how many times, these things happen in my life. But the story of my birthday, ah, was so special, I have to mention it. After my parents and Murali successfully ruined my birthdays for the last few years, this year, apparently, Murali wanted to do something, I guess. My parents were here for my last birthday and believe me, none of the three wished me a proper birthday. And by proper, I mean saying the words with a simple smiling face. I didn’t even get that. But then, because he understood that he had to do something, Murali decided to rent a mini-van, drive the parents, two toddlers (with vomiting problems) and me on a week night to a fancy hotel in the city. Anyone would think, ‘wow, what a nice gesture’, but, in reality, the response should be, ‘are you nuts?’ With parents who CANNOT eat any kind of food ay fancy restaurants, with little kids, to a city, during the weekday. REALLY? I didn’t say anything. He was finally doing something after all these years and I didn’t want to discourage. However, as expected, when we exactly reached the destination, Abhi threw up. No one bothered enough to pack a backup dress and we headed back home straight. I cannot say enough about how depressing my birthdays have become for the last few years. And its sad to see that despite knowing about this, no ones cares enough. I guess that’s another thing I have been trying to do. Get down to zero expectations and hence, no pain (Its helping and I know, I need to keep going this way). So, guess what happens after this incident? Next day, Murali gets all sad about how the things he plans don’t work out AND I had to forget about everything that happened then and had to tell him how he tried and that’s all that matters. My blood boils when I think about this. Right now, I feel so dizzy from the pain. What the heck happened here? Was I not in pain over something that went really really really wrong (considering the many years of pain)? And I was just supposed to drop everything and offer him some words of comfort. Why the heck would I do this each time, I have no idea. May be, I cannot just watch the people I love suffer. Even though it seems like they don’t reciprocate.
Ton of thoughts, all about loneliness, how I have to cope up with my worries on my own. How people around me wouldn’t help when they should; How I am so unfocussed at work; All driving me crazy. I do things on my own to keep my head busy, but I know the loneliness is not going anywhere. And my work life is getting the most impacted. I wouldn’t be surprised if things aren’t bad already. And yet no one to guide or correct me. Even comfort me. That’s actually what ‘On my own’ means. Its going to be a quite depressing time for few days now; Until I get over this, for the time being.