This may very well be the end of my blog. It’s not that I don’t know what to write I don’t have anything to write it says that I can’t get myself to write anything here and help myself This is too many things I don’t know where to start.
I thought I was having a hard time last year, at least it was just a mental thing. But this year, it’s all of the crap together. The two things that kept me going. Kids and my love for home decorations. Even those two things don’t seem to be helping me anymore. kids – What do I say? this blog was all about how much fun it was raising these 2 kids how much fun it was listening to them, doing this silly actions but now it’s all so different. It’s all just crying and crying and crying. The tantrums, not eating food, making me go crazy. Anytime they stick my name I feel like banging my head. I don’t what to do. I can’t help them anymore. I don’t know what to do. I just wish they would stop crying to go to school but they won’t. Every morning is a challenge for me, put that together with my work tensions. The other situation we are in; Worries about the future. Everything is just driving me nuts and I don’t see the way out.
Halloween is coming, I thought this was that one time of the year where everything would feel alright because we get to decorate our home, talk about costumes, turn the lights on, everything. But this year, it’s been so hard this time that even the idea of Halloween does not make me feel happy. I’m not excited about anything anymore. It’s just so hard because it’s not just me, even the kids are suffering because of this. When I’m not happy, they are not happy and they are not happy. I’m not happy, I don’t know how to break this thing. I dread every day, every night.
So what do I do? I try my best to come out of this feeling; this mindset, but I can’t help it. One of the days it feels like it’s going to be OK, we will get through this, I have to stay positive and the other times, it’s just so depressing that I don’t know what to do.
Last week I even tried to make a list of things that make me happy. Just a list of things happening now that I’m happy about and guess what nothing came up on the list. Not the cloudy weather that I used to like, not playing with kids, not decorating my home for Halloween, painting nothing nothing. Nothing seems to help me now. I even started shopping for new clothes. Even though I know I cannot spend money on things like that anymore. But I do that to make myself feel better and it doesn’t help. Surprisingly work, sometimes even though it seems so challenging and tough to me, is the only thing that is helping me focus away from all these mental tensions. And I don’t like it sometimes trying to distract myself away focusing on work even is challenging because my work is getting challenging. Expectations and everything. I don’t have any patience or energy to spend time on my work. I really envy people who get to go to work and focus, because my morning and few nights are so tired with all the worries about kids and home situation going on in my head that I cannot try to focus on my work. I feel distracted. I don’t know what to do.
I honestly don’t know. It’s that time again and I’m just waiting for a miracle to happen and miraculously fix everything that’s going on and get me out of this, but I don’t know how it’s going to happen. And I just wanna get out of this mental state. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t treat my kids, the way I’m treating them now. They need my love and I’m not doing my best as their mother. I’m not doing the right thing. But I don’t know what will help me though.