One of the days, last week, was exactly my kind of day. A day I have been dreaming of. It was not perfect by any means. In fact, by afternoon I was frustrated with kids going crazy and driving me crazy and worried what I would do if we all stayed home all the time. As in, what will happen with my future plan of quitting job and spending more time with kids?
Having nowhere to be in the mornings, I woke up late. But kids didn’t. Of course, right? No kid will sleep late on the day off. 🙂 But the good part was that we didn’t wake them up. we didn’t hurry them. We didn’t have to stop ourselves from yelling at them because we were getting late and they wanted to play. We didn’t have to rush. It might sound like nothing, but I actually consider that a privilege. I let kids play as long as they wanted. When they were ready, I took them downstairs. Gave them milk or juice, whatever they wanted. No forcing cereal down the throat. They played for a while. For another change, I had breakfast too. I made dosa for all of us. Fed kids with my own hands. I even made a sweet for Krishnasthami. I made kids favorite lunch later, again fed them while they were watching TV. They could eat by themselves, but no I wanted to feed them. We all watched our favorite movies again. Kids played and played and played. They played pretend games; They built legos; And there was, of course, the sprinkler fun. They also played pretend games running through the sprinkler. Rescuing toy puppies, our socks; Pretending to be Captain Hook and Mr.Smee. Ahoy fun, it was.
Then freshly cleaned, towels wrapped around their heads, we call them koppu people, they danced in the front porch. We ate dinner in the front porch too. Only Abhi calls it French Court. 🙂 Walking around in the front yard, eating yummy pasta with lots of cheese, kids and I had a blast. Then the best thing happened.
We went out for a walk. For the first time this summer I think, we headed out for a walk in the neighborhood, post dinner. It was little bit dark, but Abhi, Achu and I walked around, looking at plants, lights, talking about sky. It was beautiful. I wondered why we didn’t do it before, why not everyday of the last two months. It was just not a walk in the nice weather. It was also just a peaceful mind, with no worries for tomorrow, no schedules, no bed times to worry about. It was just my kind of day.
Just the way I wanted it. I was just in love with this thought ever since the day happened. I wanted to write happily about it. But now, this is making cry. Realizing how I wont have it anymore. Why things are going the opposite way of what I wanted to and making me all confused.
Listen to my situation again. I want to spend time with kids; I want to focus on my home; Take time off for myself; Yes, just me. That’s one reason enough why I want a break. I set myself a target of one year before I take a break from the job. Financial, stability reasons plus making sure ‘this is what I really want’ are the reasons. (Well, mainly financial and stability). Here I am thinking I don’t want to spend an ounce more of energy than what I am doing now and guess what happens at work. I get thrown into a new team. Completely new work; Pretty much one person team, that’s me for now; And that means that I need to triple the work I am doing. Spend more hours at work, think about more things; It means that my brain is going to be completely full of work thoughts, like always.
Does that sound anything like what I want? Nope. Don’t get me wrong. I have been in this ‘go an extra mile’ phase before. More than once. And I had done it. Better than what was expected. Now, I DONT want to. I simply don’t want to put any more energy and time into my work than what I have now. And if I don’t, it will just mean that I will do a bad job, not meeting expectations. Even in my regular job now, I know there is a lot more I can do (and I would have done otherwise previously), but not anymore. I just don’t have the energy nor passion nor time for it.
Ever since I heard about the change and the expectations, this is the war going on in my head. Should I suck it up and do what is expected of me? Should I not take this opportunity seriously and do a bad job? Should I just quit? Can I just go tell them I don’t want this and commit career suicide? Should I ignore my kids and my health a little more?
This is not fair. I just want my kind of day back. Many of them. Happy days with my children with a worry free head of mine, going on walks, playing in the front yard. That’s what I want.