More Pain

Have I hit rock bottom yet? Definitely feels like I have. But the thing is I have the feeling, I am still sinking. Everyday, every minute. How painful the last month has been, especially the last three weeks, only I will know. And the worst thing is there is no end in sight. There is a trip in front of us, few more of months of trouble and inconvenience, it looks like. Everything changing. I have more questions than I have answers and clarifications to. I am just so tired of waiting for that email or phone call and when I get it, it is only bad news.

I don’t understand. I just don’t. What I am being punished for? Why is this happening to me? Was there a lesson I was supposed to learn from this? If so, I think I did. The first few weeks was for that. Time for thinking and rethinking every thing that happened and decide what to do. What to change, what to give up on. But yet the I continue to suffer. I just keep thinking, I have learnt my lesson, please put an end to this now. Please. I cant take it anymore. I don’t want my children to suffer. I don’t want my parents to feel bad. I don’t want to ruin my career.

You know, all this seems so similar to what happened in 2013. Something happened and I had to take a break from work for months. Planning was painful, trip was even more painful. Journey, the worst. And I don’t think anything good came out of that trip. Not at least worth what I lost. My relationship with my own family. And still, that visit was at least justified. New mom, going to India to take care of her children, taking a break from work, all was justifiable. This one. Not at all. if I ruined my personal relationship during the last trip, this time I was ruining my work relationships. I will have to uproot kids and their life here and take them somewhere, where I don’t know how they will take. It could be as long as six months, I am told. And kids just got settled down in their pre-school here. Just got used to making friends, learning stuff. So much excited about Halloween. Their everything has to change. All because of me and what is happening.

Unlike the last time, this time clearly was my mistake. It took me a while to accept that though. I have been just so busy with my life, that I forgot to take care of one of the most important things. Where was I going to find time or energy to do that, I think sometimes. Sometimes, I feel like a failure for just having caused this mess. I don’t know what bothers me more; That I am in this messy situation or that I caused this.

There is no point in figuring that out, anyway, I guess. I just want this pain to end. I don’t want kids to suffer. If I will be gone for 6 months or even 6 weeks, there is no way I will leave my kids and go. Or should I? Am I being selfish by making them leave there comfort place or should I think they need me more than anything. But again, is it worth what I am going to put them through.

There is a really tiny tiny ray of hope I am hanging to. But at this time, it doesnt make any sense. I have disappointed my parents and mostly my kids. What a mess this has been.

I just wish, once in a life time that I get lucky once and get to avoid that travel. But you know my fate, when I suffer, I must suffer the ful cycle. It needs to go and stretch out as much worse as it can get and only then things will get back to normal. By the time I feel dead and all my hope lost. I guess even this time I have to go through the full suffering. And kids too.