Today is Monday for us here. Working day. I should be at work. Only I am not. Instead, today so far, I raked leaves, cleaned up bathroom, vacuumed, did laundry and got rid of our baby crib. From the time I dropped off kids at school today, I have been trying to keep myself busy. And so I have to – for the next 3 weeks, at the least. I am off work now. Not a planned vacation, not sick leave. But totally unplanned, a bomb dropped on my head kind of off-work for the next three weeks.
How this happened is not a reason I want to get into at the moment, but I can only say that because of some reason, I have to stop working. Until the issue is resolved. Initially when the lawyer called and I was told that I have to stop working until the issue is resolved, I freaked out. Because I had no idea this trouble was brewing in my life. And that too for over a year. I thought getting told that I cannot work for these three weeks was the worse situation until I realized, the real worse situation is what happens after these weeks. My fate literally depends on how things go in the next few weeks. If the decision is not favourable to me, Oh God! Thats the worse thing. When I say our life turns up side down, if the decision is not in my favour, I am not exaggerating. Not all. Our lives, everything changes. And I don’t even know yet or how or for how long. I have to be away from my kids, my house, my everything. All of life, just uprooted. And I am not exaggerating. compared to that, taking three weeks off seems like a dream, even if I have the worst case scenario thoughts, always running in my head.
Which is why I am trying to keep myself occupied. I made a list of things to do. Trying to keep myself busy without any gaps. Night times are the difficult so far. Because there is nothing to do and my mind automatically wanders off to what happens in the next month. Will we get lucky and find a way out of this deep shit? Or like past has been, do we have to sink deeper into it? We have been kind of in scary messy before as well, but you know, this time, it is so different. I have kids to care for now. A house. mortgage. School cost. How will we ever survive this when things go south?
I can’t stop worrying about the decision being negative. My kids, my home, all my dreams. I am not ready to give them up yet. You know, for the last few weeks, I have been dreaming about how I was going to decorate our front porch with the fall decor. I look around my house and I see all the upgrades, decorations I wanted to do. Will I ever get to do that? And how long do I have to be away from the kids? What havoc it is going to be to their lives, whatever choice we are left with.
My manager told me to consider this as a mini-vacation and enjoy it. My colleague says I will see you after three weeks, that’s it. V assures me its going to go well too. Murali as worried as I am, tells me to keep myself occupied. And that is all there is to do. My list of things to do and keep checking things off my list.
Keep a positive outlook and hope that this was just a lesson to be learnt. I wait, for that email or phone call; Dream that someone in the next two to three weeks will call me and give me the good news and I can go back to my life like it was normal. Yeah, I know there is that looming threat too, except for trying to shut those thoughts off, I cannot help my situation.
So, please do pray for me. I really really really could use some positive thoughts now. I don’t think I can survive a bad news now.