So very aptly titled one.
I took off work, a whole week last week. Idea was that kids are going to school starting tomorrow. Life will get into crazy mode. Parents will leave soon. So I thought I would just take a week off, relax, maybe go somewhere and do something fun. I know how much fun my last vacation was, so I tried to make another one. Hmm. I have officially decided that I am ‘vacation-cursed’. It means even if I take some time off, I wont be able to enjoy it. And you know, at least three different occasions, I was told by my mom and nanny that kids are crying more because I am around. That was asking me to get out of my own home and not be there. See the curse on my head? I cannot go out. I cannot stay home. So, I actually locked myself in a room and binge watched Netflix. That turned out to be not so bad.
I almost got into a car accident last week. I was turning my car to get onto the road and I also saw this car turn on the road behind me, from another street. That guy just joined the road and there was no way he should come so fast and find my car in his way. But that’s what exactly happened. He came so fast that by the time I turned, he was right behind me. He honked so hard and I was thinking, ‘Dude, you cannot honk because someone slowed down your shiny red convertible’. Well, lucky for me, the shiny red convertible has good brakes and so an accident was avoided. But you know what, normally I think coming that close to an accident would have bothered me, but this time I was so indifferent. I was like whatever. Given my situation, I really didn’t think that car accident could have made it any worse. I was also thinking that it would have been a distraction for me.
Guess what new crap I have to take this time? Sarcastic comments, hints and remarks that don’t make any sense from my parents. Apparently both of them are trying to fix something, but only they are doing it in the wrong way and for the wrong reason. Imagine after years of trying, I give up on few things, sit silently and mind my business, no expectations, no arguing anything and I get told that I am not doing my wife duties. Really? Do you know how hard it is for some person like me to give up? But then when I finally do I get criticized for giving up. I almost wanted to yell yesterday that I am not the one who needs to take the blame and of course, I didn’t. I shut up and ignored all the comments like I learnt to.
Two different people have told me in the last two-ish years that I have become so angrier. People close to me, who have seen in both my lifes (that’s what I call my pre and post wedding times). And I am not denying that. I can’t tell you how true it is. I know what I was those years ago and I know what I am now. I also know the reason why I am turning into this. Not that I can help it. I realized I am holding onto so many complaints and feelings inside my head; Not getting closure on anything. Giving up on way too many things. Being lonely and confused. Forgetting what I wanted and taking new crap. All this I thought I was shutting it inside, but only until the bubble bursts. I feel so angry inside and yet try to suck up so bad, that when I reach my threshold, I have to literally stop myself from throwing that cup or laptop or phone. I have to take all that frustration out somehow. And it better be a cup than me from the top of a mountain. I just want to run. I really do.
I was listening on radio last week, about a prisoner who committed something really bad, didn’t really realize his mistake after getting convicted for it. Not even after getting into prison. Not even after serving his term. Almost end of his term, he was in this class where they had to write what they did (that was a for a Broadway play, AFAIR). That is when it hit him. That’s when he realized what wrong he did. Point I am trying to make, writing is powerful. So, why can’t I write the heck out of everything and just get over it? Why do I keep saying to myself, ‘That’s it, that is enough for now. Don’t write anything anymore’? ‘No, not that one, Nope. Not writing it’. Why? Isn’t it better to be done with it once than carry it over and over and never find any closure? How is that even after writing this much, I don’t feel any better?