On My Own

Too long of a ‘Write all about it and try to let it go’ post. Skip if you don’t want to read about the sad side of my life.

So, when I originally wanted to write about this thing I have changed in my life, for my own good. I was very proud of it. It was called,  ‘BEING ON MY OWN’. But then, I waited too long to get to writing it here and that made me realize all the crap it means. Soon enough, I started tying one thing to another and realized how all the crap is connected. I will, of course, try to just be happy about the one change but I do know now the related crap is still there and is bothering me very very much.

The one thing I could accomplish in a long time was doing things on my own. Well, not too many. But, say, shopping. I always had friends, family with me to come shopping. Always. Not once in many many years have I shopped alone. But, that has all changed. No friends. No family. Either wait for someone to accompany you or not shop. And I had to try really so hard to get over this. And I did. When I did, went shopping all by myself (For home décor, etc.), couple of times, first times were uneasy. But soon, I didn’t feel like it was big of a deal at all. It was simple. It was easy. Not having to explain what I was doing. How things would go together, etc. I so loved shopping by myself and was so proud of doing it. Of course, I am yet to go learn swimming, skating on my own. From my experience, may be its not that big of a deal too, but I didn’t take that step yet (Its been more than an year).

While I was happy at it, other things were creeping back up in my mind. How this actually means that I am more alone than I was before. The very minimal time spent was further reduced. Brought back another point that when I need some help, even when it is genuine help, no one is around. But I am there for others.

When P was living with us, sometimes, she would crib non-stop about things. And I had to tell her to let it go and be okay with what it is, blah, blah, blah. But then I would realize all the cribbing happens with me, but the fun shopping and movies are with others. Really? Murali is no different. Each time he insists on talking with me, is when he has something bothering him and he wants to talk and etc. Each time. Few times, he would specifically ask me if we can go have coffee and it would be about some project he did and how he was expecting some award, but someone got it. How this time he didn’t make it to the promotion. Or something else. When did I become this official crap taker from all? Our entire hike time during our last year hike was all about Murali’s job and what he needs to do. And its not that I mind listening to all this crap and giving them advice. Its about where are these people when I need them? I have really bad times at work too and mentioning them to Murali is utterly useless. Last year, I got promoted. I didn’t even mention it here, because it has become another depressing thing from me. You know why? Apparently Murali was expecting a promotion, he didn’t get it. And I wasn’t expecting it all and yet I did. So, he was feeling so bad that he said congratulations on WhatsApp and that’s all. Not even a smiley. Forget about a celebration. He was not even happy for me. If I was in his position, I would made such a big deal out of it, called for a party, celebration, hurrays’ etc. etc. Almost everyday, even now, there is something work related, I wish I could talk to someone, I know talking to Murali is still useless. I actually stopped talking about work with him altogether.

When I got in touch with my BFF last year and learnt about how her family (including a then 3 year old) survived a horrible bus crash, I cried so bad. Next day, I decided to tell P about it and hoped to be comforted. You know what she said? ‘Yeah. That’s how bus drivers in India drive’. And nothing else. Really? For all the crap I take from these people, these are my words of comfort? I was used to this kind of useless response from Murali already, so I quickly added her to the list of people I would never talk to again about things that bother me. Till date, when P pings me its about how is she worried about something. Recently, I stopped responding. I feel bad, but I cannot do it anymore.

I could go on and on about how many times, these things happen in my life. But the story of my birthday, ah, was so special, I have to mention it. After my parents and Murali successfully ruined my birthdays for the last few years, this year, apparently, Murali wanted to do something, I guess. My parents were here for my last birthday and believe me, none of the three wished me a proper birthday. And by proper, I mean saying the words with a simple smiling face. I didn’t even get that. But then, because he understood that he had to do something, Murali decided to rent a mini-van, drive the parents, two toddlers (with vomiting problems) and me on a week night to a fancy hotel in the city. Anyone would think, ‘wow, what a nice gesture’, but, in reality, the response should be, ‘are you nuts?’ With parents who CANNOT eat any kind of food ay fancy restaurants, with little kids, to a city, during the weekday. REALLY? I didn’t say anything. He was finally doing something after all these years and I didn’t want to discourage. However, as expected, when we exactly reached the destination, Abhi threw up. No one bothered enough to pack a backup dress and we headed back home straight. I cannot say enough about how depressing my birthdays have become for the last few years. And its sad to see that despite knowing about this, no ones cares enough. I guess that’s another thing I have been trying to do. Get down to zero expectations and hence, no pain (Its helping and I know, I need to keep going this way). So, guess what happens after this incident? Next day, Murali gets all sad about how the things he plans don’t work out AND I had to forget about everything that happened then and had to tell him how he tried and that’s all that matters. My blood boils when I think about this. Right now, I feel so dizzy from the pain. What the heck happened here? Was I not in pain over something that went really really really wrong (considering the many years of pain)? And I was just supposed to drop everything and offer him some words of comfort. Why the heck would I do this each time, I have no idea. May be, I cannot just watch the people I love suffer. Even though it seems like they don’t reciprocate.

Ton of thoughts, all about loneliness, how I have to cope up with my worries on my own. How people around me wouldn’t help when they should; How I am so unfocussed at work; All driving me crazy. I do things on my own to keep my head busy, but I know the loneliness is not going anywhere. And my work life is getting the most impacted. I wouldn’t be surprised if things aren’t bad already. And yet no one to guide or correct me. Even comfort me. That’s actually what ‘On my own’ means. Its going to be a quite depressing time for few days now; Until I get over this, for the time being.

 

Moral Of The Story

At bed time, I am telling Abhi and Achu, a part of story of Ramayana.

” Ramudu goes with Kausika mahamuni to save the yagam. Ramudu asks the rakshas, really nicely, ‘Please don’t disturb our yagam. Please go away’. And so the raskshas go away because Ramudu asked them so nicely “.

So the moral of the story, from my point being, ‘You should always ask nicely’. And to finish the story, I ask Abhi and Achu, ‘What is the moral of the story?’

Abhi responds, “First you add tomatoes, and then carrots.. ”

Achu goes, “And then peas and so many cheese”

Abhi continues , “And then pasta and cheese”.

Why is the pasta recipe, moral of Ramayana, I haven’t figured out yet.

***

Another Ramayana story for the kids.

“And then Soorphanka says, ‘Aaarg…..I am going to eat your nose”. Then Ramudu tells her without getting scared, “Soorphanka…Please don’t eat our noses. We need our noses to breath oxygen. Please don’t eat them”. Then Soorphanka goes away, you know why, because Ramudu asked her nicely. So, what is the moral of the story?”

Abhi: “You should always ask nicely”

Me: “Right”

Abhi: “and no eating noses”.

***

 We are reading a story. Little prince gets hurt and everyone around the palace, scrambles to get him a Band-Aid. Finally, prince gets the Band-Aid and gets all better. Now , Abhi seemed to be on a roll with the moral of the story conclusions, so I ask him for the moral.

Abhi: “No getting Ishi-ish first. It hurts”.

Fair enough.

***

Then there was a baboon that gets stuck in the box; Box gets loaded into the truck, goes up the hill and falls out of the truck and rolls down the hill. Baboon is fine. It doesn’t get hurt. But, moral of the story is,

“No getting tuck (stuck) in the box”.

***

Then, comes the funniest sounding, tongue twister story of tweetle beetles fighting battles in the bottle, Abhi’s moral of the story is,

“No pumpy, slumpy, grumpy bug in the bottle”. We all laugh so much.

***

Later, Freddie goes eating. Its Spaghetti for dinner. Freddie has to do some waiting, but finally gets to eat his Spaghetti dinner. I ask again for the moral of the story and I get to listen to the relief of a moral, this time.

“Eating bugs, spiders is yucky. They are not mammu.”.

Phew. Finally, something I wanted to hear. 🙂

MJs

Murali and I were coming back home from a Costco trip. We put all the groceries in the trunk but then Murali left the sugar bag out of the trunk when there still was space left. I asked him why he wasn’t leaving the sugar bag in the trunk, he replies, “I will put sugar with honey” and puts the sugar bag on Achu’s car seat inside the car. 🙂

***

While we were having dinner, I was talking about me eating so much and gaining weight…becoming fat. I asked Murali this question. “Do you want a fat wife or a slim wife?”

I meant if I ate so much, I would become the fat wife instead of slim wife.

Murali responds, “I want a fat wife”.

I got surprised at his answer, wondering why would he want me to be fat and I almost died laughing at Murali’s explanation.

“I already have a slim wife. Why would I want another slim one? I will have a fat wife.”

He thought I meant I was getting him another one. 🙂

***

Me: “Do you want to go for a wild flower hike?”

Murali: “Sure. When?”

Me: “Well, they probably haven’t bloomed yet. So, we have to wait few weeks”.

Murali: “Okay. But what if they get domesticated flowers by then?”

***

 One time, we were house hunting together, we have been a bit tired so we come back and sat down in the car. Murali immediately asks me for a water bottle. I thought he was probably thirsty and handed hm the bottle. Murali takes the bottle from me and starts biting the bottle instead of drinking water from it. And I just kept staring at him.

***

 I had the Queen movie song ‘London Tumukhda’ playing in my car when Murali heard it. As you probably know its all in Punjabi and I still was listening to it and singing the song. And Murali asks me what does the song mean? And I had no idea. Thanks to all the Punjabi language involvement in the Bollywood movies (starting from SRK movies), I have been singing those lyrics, even if I didn’t understand them completely (a little jist is all we need, right?). So, Murali just doesn’t ask me once, but multiple times, about different lyrics in the song. Now, I couldn’t just sit and listen to the song anymore. I had to go home and check for the lyrics meaning on the internet. Not that I  could look up all of it, but I checked that the jist I understood was right. And still, each time I hear that song play in my car, I think of Murali  and his comments. The song is just the not same anymore. Thanks for ruining it Murali. 🙂 And Happy anniversary. 🙂

 ***

The Magic Slate

When I say I want to write about Abhi and Achu, I mean, I want to write everything about them. Absolutely what they do every minute in the day they are awake (and sometimes sleeping 🙂 ). What they eat, what they say, what they play with, what they read, what they do etc, etc, etc. Of course, it is not possible. There was a time when I wanted to take pictures of all of Abhi and Achu’s toys and write about them, what they like etc. But the time passes so quickly and the toys get old even more quickly, that I can only to get to write about their favorite toys (hopefully at least, that).

There was the Haathi and Bear that Abhi and Achu so loved (still do, but less), and now the hot favorite is the magic slate. Our nanny gifted Abhi and Achu this purple erasable slate for their second birthday. I bought something of a mat like this before which works with a water pen. What Abhi and Achu enjoyed most of it with the mat was sucking all the water out of the pen and drinking it. Mat was gone in no time too. So, I was just waiting on Abhi and Achu to be a little older before I get any of these toys again, but our nanny picked this slate that comes with a non-edible pen (not that Abhi didn’t try), that too attached to the slate. And the set was an instant hit with Abhi and Achu.

Our nanny being a very creative person, started drawing pictures on the slate. I stayed to simple things like writing letters, shapes etc. We drew them so many things on the slate. At first it was sun, mountains, starts, shapes, letters, numbers etc. And when the still-existing Halloween hungama took over, we started drawing spiders, skeletons, bugs, purple spider, blue spider, green skeleton…You get the idea. The slate is only black and white and still we get asked to draw colorful things. 🙂

Starting from the day one it got here, Abhi and Achu have been fighting for their chance to draw. So our nanny just got another one for the kids. If I make a list of things that are paisa vasool, the two slates definitely go on the list. 🙂

I use the slate to teach Abhi and Achu Telugu letters. Abhi and Achu probably figured out that for complicated requests, they have to go to either nanna or nanny. But, even then, what would you do, if they ask like, ‘Amma, Can you draw Abhi sitting in Amma’s lap and spider coming to Abhi?’. Seriously how do you draw that? I usually put couple of lines, build a story, distract them and escape from the trap. But such requests are unending.

Many a times, I find Abhi and Achu seriously sitting down and doing some drawings. It’s such a happy sight to watch. Here are some. 🙂

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