Life is not good at the moment. Its full of worries, headaches, heartburns, tensions and sleepless hours. Its been like this for few days now. I was hoping it would get better, but it wont. I know its only going to get tough.
At work, I got assigned to this big project that needs to be done like yesterday. On top of that I know NOTHING about what I have to do, so there is so much learning. Others are already well caught up and its going to take a while for me to catchup. But the problem is I was introduced to the team as someone who knows everything about what I was supposed to do. And of course its not true. Why does someone do this to me? You know, this is the second time this happened to me. Last time, I moved to a new team, everyone, literally EVERYONE was told that I am awesome and blah blah blah. That sets such bad expectations with people. I don’t know about others but I cannot be that awesome as soon as I start doing something. I need my time to settle down, learn. I cant rest until I know what I am doing, I have a good grasp and having this expectation on top of it only makes my life worse. Just like last time, this time too, I have been going to meetings, making a fool of myself obviously because I don’t know everything like others expect me to. Its only making my life worse. Last two days, I forced myself to sleep because I am awake, I will have to think and worry about all these things. I can hardly focus on what I need to do. Even leaving all that expectation headache, this is a pretty big thing I need to do. Not something I have done before and its killing me. I have no clue, whatsoever. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. I have so much to prove. And such less talent. It also seems like I am not that smart anymore. I see others well caught-up and I am not. Obviously its all my fault.
All of a sudden, I am longing for those winter days, when my work was good and all settled; I knew what I was doing and spending good times with Abhi and Achu. Now, not anymore. Because I am worried all the time. It doesn’t help, I know. But, I cant help; I cant do anything else.
Murali knows little or something about this. And yesterday he asked me how can he help. I should have told him what he could really do, but I didn’t. He could fix us. Like him and me. Long before the work headache began, something that has been very bothering me is our relationship. We work during the day, we go home and we hardly speak five sentences to each other. Sometimes not even that. You can see how much that sucks. Oh, we speak a lot to Abhi and Achu, but not to each other. Then we eat, we sleep. Sure I can blame the kids and all the work for lack of time and energy for doing this, but I know its not the reason. I don’t even think he knows that this sucks. I would take time to fix it but with the work worries, I don’t have any more energy to try fix this (again).
Wait. There is more. Guess what happened last Sunday evening? I give kids bath, make their dinner, took bath myself. I was getting ready to feed Abhi and Achu their dinner and water starts dripping off the ceiling. Imagine my horror when I already feel dead because of above two worries. It stopped after a while. Turns out there was a leak in the bathroom above and it seeped in. One day of scare, $400 to figure that out and I am still worried. I knew these things are common, but if something like this happened just one month after we moved in, I fear what’s in store for us. More scared because I know that damn good luck has never been on our side. So, yayyyy! one more worry to kill me.
I go home from work, try to forget all these things and play with Abhi, Achu. But I can tell how bothering it is to me. Even more, trying to forget it isn’t going to help either. I will leave the other two for now. I think I already did. But the work front is just killing me. And its only going to get worse.