I Wonder…

♦ I wonder why is it so difficult to talk to me? At work, I talk and people listen. They talk back. We have a conversation. So, I know nothing is wrong with me. But, then why is it difficult for someone to talk to me?

 ♦ Why is it that I have to ask something a 10 times to get a response, I wonder. Someone says something. You respond. Seems common-sense to me. Is it that difficult to respond to someone and give them an answer? Is it a burden, I wonder.

♦ I wonder why it is that it is always me who is initiating an activity? Can we go eat-out? Can we watch a movie? Lets go to this place this weekend? Why does it always fall on me? Why cant I be surprised with something, I wonder. Why am I the one always trying to make life fun? (Or whatever fun I get to) What happens when I give up?

♦ Forget about having a fun chit-chat, forget about solving a problem I have, forget about helping me get through something, forget about being there for me, I wonder why it is so difficult to respond to me when I talk about something that’s a necessity.

♦ I wonder why am I so taken for granted? I hear conversations with strangers or friends and in that case, words are free-flowing; Jokes are part of every line. So funny and all. But when it comes to me, I wonder, why there are no words to speak. Forget fun talks or jokes.

♦ When spoken to, I wonder, why is it always about something serious or something going wrong? What makes me incapable of being someone with whom a fun conversation can be had?

♦ I wonder why all the jokes I crack go almost unnoticed, while others laugh out loud.

♦ I wonder why I am always on the asking side.

♦ Whenever something wrong happens, no matter how many times, I wonder, why the answer or solution is only ‘I will do it’ and nothing after that. I wonder when did I start saying, ‘Yeah. Okay’ just to stop the conversation and had stopped keeping hopes that ‘I will do it’ is true.

♦ How long will I keep focusing on the other minimal good things? What am I making compromises for everyday, I wonder. Seriously, for what?

♦ Everyday, I wonder, if I am changing and how.

 One day, I am going to wake up and realize kids are not the only part of life and the things that I am constantly letting go of (despite wanting them from the day I started dreaming) were too precious to let go. That day will be a terrible terrible day.