Sometimes (very very few times) I wish if Abhi and Achu were a little grown up, so that they can take care of themselves. But then, I realize, no. I really don’t want that. They can grow up at the pace they would normally do. However, the wish always stems up when I see them crying in the morning, the exact time I have to leave for work. This doesn’t happen often. Every day, I stay with Achu until nanny puts Abhi to bed. After Abhi sleeps, if Achu hasn’t slept yet, nanny sits next to Achu and then I leave. So, mostly they are not crying. But, once in a while, things change and one of them is crying because they want me to put them to bed. Yesterday was one such morning. Achu has been skipping her morning naps per the past one week and yesterday Abhi also didn’t want to sleep. Seeing them cry and leaving for work was one worry from yesterday. But, that was not the only one. I know they will be fine soon. They almost always are. Most of the mornings, Achu is cranky when I am around. She wants me and I am busy cooking, getting ready etc. But when I step out, she plays on her own.
The other problem yesterday was that, just like any night, the night before yesterday, I slept at 2 AM. In the last few months, there hasn’t been a single night I slept before 2 (except for when I was in jet lag). Yesterday morning, I couldn’t catch any sleep in the morning either because I had to cook for kids. By the time I left for work, while Abhi and Achu were crying, I was already feeling tired. I wished I could sleep for sometime, but we know that’s not possible. I barely passed the whole day. Feeling drowsy. I was sitting in this afternoon meeting and I could feel my eyes so tired. That’s the first time it happened to me that I was feeling really sleepy, sitting in a meeting. 😦 I hope no one noticed. 😦 I came back to my office and tried to work. I had to go somewhere to pick up some safety gate for Abhi and Achu (I badly need to replace the existing one) and I couldn’t think of driving to the store feeling that sleepy.
After I got home in the evening, nanny was still there and I thought of sleeping for a while. But I felt guilty about leaving Abhi and Achu right after I came home and tried to do some kitchen chores. After nanny left, I could feel I was exhausted. I had tea, coffee back to back and nothing helped. Usually evenings is the time we read books and we play a lot. I did nothing. I laid down on one of Abhi and Achu’s seats and slept. Yep. I slept when Abhi and Achu were in the living room when no one else was watching them.
This is the second time this happened. Last time, I was just in the same boat, tired. I pushed myself until 8. I remember I was telling Abhi and Achu, ‘Amma is going to be right here. I am going to close my eyes for 5 mins’. I slept. When I woke up it was 8:45. It wasnt like I was fully asleep. I was talking to them, asking Abhi to bring books so that we can read. He bought them to me, but I didn’t read anything. I could feel Achu laying down next to me for few mins. I could hear them complaining about me not playing with them. I also saw them tearing papers, eating and I didn’t stop them. 🙂 Since I was around they were just roaming around me, jumping on me etc. Yesterday evening, I kept in mind to not do that again. Yes, our living room is mostly baby proof, they play on their own mostly, but someone needs to keep an eye, definitely. I was thinking all this and I slept again. This time, thankfully, only for some 10 minutes. Good thing, Achu jumped on me and woke me up. 🙂 Rest of the evening, we did fine, not active much. I certainly didn’t play with them actively like I usually do. But just watched them. I didn’t cook anything for myself, since cooking means cleaning. I can’t sleep without cleaning and I didn’t have that energy. I hit bed early (at 12) and could only sleep at at 2. 😦 and back in the same boat, today. 😦
I guess there is really no point to this post except blabbering, except that I want to remind myself to not do this again. It’s not a good thing to sleep, not watching kids; Not push myself when I know I shouldnt. I know exactly when I am normal or tired or exhausted. I need to stop feeling guilty about getting some sleep when I could. No matter what else I have done, if I don’t catch that extra sleep, I don’t have my energy. And energy is something I want in abundance, these days.