10 Months Old

Abhi and Achu turned 10 months old last week. I can’t believe its been 10 months already. Time sure flies. And just 2 more months to the big day. I still don’t know where we will be then, but where ever we are I want to make the day memorable. Of course, Abhi and Achu wont remember much, I still want to make the day memorable and a very happy time,  also for Murali and me.

Anyway, in the two months or so we have been here, Abhi and Achu changed so much. They now recognize each other, but, mostly as a competitor for toys 🙂

Achu is very mobile now. Before we came here she was barely crawling. The she became a pro at crawling and is now cruising. She will pull herself up holding on to anything. If I am in bed and she is on the floor, I will see her little head occasionally popping up from here and there. :). She is yet to learn to sit on her own. So after a while, she lets out a little squeak signalling that she needs help to sit down safely. She has started to pick things up with her hands. When she is crawling on the floor (marble tiles with some dark patches here and there), she thinks the dark patches are something to pick up and keeps scratching to pick them up.

Abhi seems to be a little late on his milestones. I am not bothered much, but you know, everybody else is. After he learnt to roll over in all directions, I had to make him sit up for few minutes in a day and he is now good at sitting and playing. He will turn in all directions and also bends but, he can’t sit on his own yet. Although, once in a while he tries to pull himself up or bend into crawling position. He is an active baby otherwise and I am not worried much. But, you know, how everyone else says ‘baby not crawling yet?’, ‘baby not standing yet’. I just smile and go into ignore mode. 🙂

This was supposed to be a long post about everything Abhi and Achu do these days; I have so many little updates to write about. but, I will put them in another post.

Next Steps

There are so many things I want to say about this trip and my time here. How my day goes, how I feel, how I react to different things etc. But I don’t think I want to remember much about all this for ever. Some of these I had already anticipated, so I dont have to write them down. but, few came as unpleasant surprises which I don’t want to remember. I want to let go of the feeling that I see people go by their normal duties everyday without bothering to help me. Its okay if they lied to me and made  promises that they cant keep up. They have their own things to take care of. Sooner I accept, better I will feel. There are few good things I must credit this trip with and I will write them down later.

Anyway, like I mentioned before I chose coming here because I hoped that Abhi and Achu would get best care. ( Well,they do get the best care, but, its just that best care is from me or the best I can do. I think its good enough.) The other reason was that my parents wanted to fulfill few things they wanted like Ayush Homam for kids, A lavish birthday Party. I wasn’t keen on these happening, but I thought these would make my parents happy. We still also have the Tirumala trip (by foot from Tirupathi), where we offer the babies hair. So, as per the original plan, Murali was supposed to come here around Mid-July, we finish all these planned activities and fly back to Seattle by the end of the month. And I go back to work by the first of August.

Except that I would be bored staying idle at home (I thought I would be idle :D) and weight gain, I had no other objections to staying here for long period of time (like the end of the month), so the plan looked right to me, then. I now realize that it wont work for us. After we came to Hyderabad, it took me almost a month to get Abhi and Achu back on some schedule, to get them adjusted to the jet lag and the new surroundings. I realize, when I go back, I have to face the same all over again. And I cannot accomplish this is two days time and go back to work. Besides, we have a house to setup and get it up and running before I go to work. Otherwise, I don’t think I can focus on work much.

I am, anyway, ready to go back any day, now. I mean, if I am already struggling all alone here managing Abhi and Achu, why not do it in our home there and be ready by the time I have to go back to work. Abhi and Achu need to get adjusted to our old nanny; In-laws might be joining this time and I cant afford to have things hanging in the loose. So, I proposed to Murali that lets finish all the tasks sooner and leave by July first week (I don’t care much for the lavish birthday party now. Just the Homam and the Tirumala trip are on my list now. Plus the only thing I wanted from this trip for myself is also not happening).

The plan is not impossible or difficult to do, but, from what I hear from Murali, his Vancouver project is expected to go on till October. I have no idea how I will manage my days working and taking care of Abhi and Achu. I know in-laws will be there, but, frankly, its not like having Murali around. I mean, if I need to work late or sleep because I am exhausted, I cant expect my in-laws to take care of the twins at nights. Even if they would do it, I don’t think I can live with the thought that I am there without him. Before I came to Hyderabad, Murali suggested I live in Seattle with a live-in nanny and the very reason I said no very strictly is that, I just cant live there without him. I don’t think he understands much, but, it is true. Anyway, Murali’s project needs to wrap up by this month for him to join us in July first week. I know that’s not happening now. I can still go in the first week, but then he wont be with us. I am at least hoping that he would come back with us, even if its by mid-July or so and not have to go back to Vancouver again.

I think my biggest concerns now are the Tirumala Trip, journey back to Seattle, getting Abhi and Achu back on schedule again before I go to work and have Murali stay completely with us from at least July. At least, I know I am not alone in getting all these done, so Murali and I will have to take it one at a time.

Mommy’s Little Helper

Dear Abhi,

Of the people who help me here in taking care of you two (no matter how much), do you know who is my best help? Its you. Really. It is you. You know,  one of the crazy nights mommy was having in the last week (thanks to persistent and very strong sleep fight from Achu), I switched your beds again hoping that at least this time, Achu will sleep. But she cried so loud that night, she woke you up from your sleep. But when she woke you up, you remained silent in your bed, not crying, not asking for me or anything. You just stayed silent, listening to the noise, staring at me. By the time Achu slept, I was so drained of energy. I already cried, felt sorry for myself having to deal with Achu all alone and seeing how much she cries each time before sleeping. I was feeling the most sad for all that happened, I just wanted to leave the room. But, before I left the room, I just stared at you once. And you know what you did? You smiled at me. You gave me the cutest smile, with your little dimples and fingers still in your mouth, you kept smiling at me, I kept staring at you. Suddenly, I had all forgotten about all that happened minutes ago. I was smiling too and I left the room smiling. Thank You Abhi…Thank you for being my little help, Thank you for making me feel better.

(But, when you cry sometimes, it makes me even more sad, because I can’t bear to see you crying at all. So, please don’t cry. Please. 😦 )

I know what other things you do to make me feel good. I can’t go into more details because I fear of getting jinxed and all. But, Thank You so much for your smiles and your love.

I am so sorry that, when I am dealing with Achu, you get a little ignored. And you spend sometime on your own. Mommy is so thankful for the time you give her. When we go home, Daddy and I will give you both the best one on one time. You deserve it the most.

Daddy will have the best of stories, specially for you when we go home. 🙂

Btw, Biting my hand with those 6 cute little teeth of yours..not cool at all… 🙂

What I Miss

* Hiking: I soooo crave for some good exercise. I think its been 2 years that Murali and I went on a hike. There are so many good trails near where we live and I can’t wait to get back on them. Weather permits, when we come back in July, may be, we can go on one. But, not sure. If we do, I will try to make the first family hike with Abhi and Achu happen. I can’t wait. 🙂

* Outdoors: All the time I was there in the last year and half, either the weather was pretty bad or I couldn’t step out. Now the weather will be good for stroller walks  and outdoor visits, but we are not there.

* Pretty dresses: Okay. I agree. I don’t look perfect for a perfect dress, but it is time for new skirts and dresses. Theres got to be some decent summer wear I can fit into, right? When I do go back in July, I will certainly use that time to wear something nice.  Otherwise, you know, for the rest of the year, its just always some jacket.

* Netflix: Seriously; A lot of me time I had (after Abhi and Achu slept), I spent watching shows on Netflix. I cant remember, how many reruns of Monk and Out of Practice, Murali and I watched. Before I came here, I was watching Greys Anatomy back to back. Too bad, Netflix is not available in India, I wouldn’t mind losing some sleep to watch some shows.

* Shopping: And that too on Amazon. I loved the convenience. Most of the baby items, I bought via amazon. Thanks to the reviews, pricing I was happy with what I got. I love buying baby toys. When I go back, Abhi and Achu are going to be very happy with their new toys (and of course, Murali is going to pay the huge bill. 🙂 )

* Family Time: One of the evenings four of us were home, Abhi threw up all over himself (part of his usual routine :p ). Murali removed his dress and was holding him while Achu and I went to get Abhi a fresh one. When we came back, shirtless Abhi and Murali were singing “Oho Jaane Jaana….Dhoonde Tujhe Diwana…”  to us. 🙂 One of my most memorable moments. And that’s what I miss the most. The four of us. Abhi, Achu, Murali and I.

A Very Happy Birthday

I love love love celebrating birthdays. In fact, any special occasion.  I think these are just extra occasions for us to be happy and have more fun. I had the best birthdays when I was in Hyderabad  My love for a special birthday celebration increased over the last few years. So last year, when Abhi and Achu were 2 months old, it was my mom’s birthday. I got her a pearl necklace. I didn’t leave her any clues about the birthday plans. We took her to temple and when we came back I asked her to wait for a while in the car with some excuse and rushed upstairs to arrange the surprise cake, balloons and her gift. She came upstairs with Abhi and Achu after few minutes and was so surprised.  I actually also asked my dad to be ready and on Skype to say surprise with me, but dad couldn’t be there on time as he was travelling. Anyway, mom had a good surprise.

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Mom was shy saying she was old to celebrate birthdays that way but I insisted. When I say a celebration, all that I mean is a cake, new dresses, wishes from everyone,  gifts, pictures and lots of love.  How can anyone can ever be old to celebrate such way?

Anyway, how special that occasion must be when the birthday girl is a new mom. Gosh! I don’t know what it is, but, just the thought of celebrating a first birthday as mother just brings tears to my eyes. It’s supposed to be the best birthday ever. My friend P had that birthday yesterday. I was so glad to see her have a birthday just the way she would love it. She was the happiest I have ever seen her. She had gifts from everybody ( one even named from her baby 🙂 ), her dress looked so elegant, she was really the happiest. They couldn’t go out to eat as the baby was still small, so they had good food at home. Had such a great time. Her only concern was that someone really really close to her gave her a really simple gift. We initially told ourselves that its the thought that counts, but later when we saw the price tag still attached to it and how cheap the gift was, we were just wishing that this person didn’t gift anything at all. She was upset but compared to rest of her day she wasn’t bothered much.

Here is to wishing everyone more and more fun celebrating birthdays….

Expecto Patronum

See, its simple. When we have to fight death eaters, we must fill ourselves with happy thoughts and then we can drive the death eaters away. So, in the context of me fighting Achu’s sleep issues, let me try write some happy and cute moments of what I find lovely about Abhi and Achu’s sleep.

  • Now that Achu sort of starts her sleep in my lap, each time she feels sleepy, she comes and rests her head on my legs. Last time I had Abhi sitting in my lap and Achu wanted to sleep, she came and rested her head on my ankle. 🙂
  • Achu loves loves loves blankets. As soon as she sees one (even if she already has one or the blanket is on Abhi), she grabs it and pretends to sleep on it.
  • Because she is very mobile, Achu now sleeps on a mattress on the floor (I can’t get anything like a crib for her here) and one of her favorite pass times before sleeping is watching the shadows on the wall. She, somehow, figured out that the shadow is from her hands, so she moves her little fingers and keeps watching the shadow change.
  • Although my goal is make her sleep all by herself, for now, I have to sit next to Achu because she will crawl away from her bed. I stack up a bunch of pillows in all needed directions and she continuously tries to knock them down and get out. She cries after trying for sometime but doesn’t give up. 🙂 She eventually wins. It’s really impressive to see her efforts.
  • Abhi now likes to sleep at right angles, so he is sleeping next to me and his feet are almost always in my face.
  • Abhi and Achu both move so much in their sleep. They twist, turn, roll over in all possible directions. Abhi will eventually settle on his side, where as Achu likes to sleep on her tummy (with the big blanket under her tummy).
  • Achu sings her own lullabies, sometimes. It goes like “Ungai Lai Lai” in a continuous loop.
  • Last time I was trying to put Abhi and Achu to sleep, I ran out of lullabies so I started singing Jingle Bells…I even joked to myself that by the time they sleep, it might anyway be Christmas time.
  • Abhi’s current favorite sleep song is “Chitti Jabili” from the movie Kadali.  It plays in loop until he sleeps. Even when I just repeat the words “Chitti Jabili”, anytime of the day, Abhi turns into all smiles. 🙂
  • Abhi and Achu have two sleep toy pets. I am hoping that they would associate the toy with sleep and fall asleep on their own. Achu’s is called JoJo Kutti and Abhi’s is called JoJo Kitti.

Sleep war is still on and is getting worse by day. Please wish us good luck. 🙂

Life !!!!

Life is full of compromises…

obligations…

confusions…

There is no room for any fun at all.

I don’t mean this is all because of having babies now. No. I love what I do for them. Whatever happiness I get during the day now, I owe it to Abhi and Achu.

I know when life stopped being fun. From a simple and happy working girl, I went on to a being a responsible adult and then I had to believe that whatever obstacles that were coming my way were not okay. By the time I realized that obstacles are part of life and personal life can be fun no matter what, few years of my life, which were supposed to be the best ones, have already passed. I tried fixing what ever I could, but I failed. (I still do and fail, actually) It was already late. I now speak to people and they are just so oblivious of the fact that I am bothered. When I was working and was in daily meetings, I remember, no matter what bothered me, I was still the cheerful person, talking to everyone just like nothing happened. I got good at faking. This blog has helped me see the brighter side of things, but it doesn’t mean the pain inside is not killing me.

All these thoughts are pouring in now because I have an option to take a break from whatever I am doing now, break, away from continuously trying to feed/change/bath/sleep/entertain/pacify Abhi and Achu. They are at a place they are used to now, so this is the right time for me to take a break. Part of me wants to take the break really, part of me doesnt. Because I know I don’t like the company I will have. I know it’s not going to be fun. I know I wont be laughing out loud. I know I wont be as happy as I want to be and I know I will come back with more regrets.

Whats a break when it’s not going to be fun (and that knowing is not based on any prejudice but bare facts). whats a break when I begin thinking about it this way?

Do I do it just because I will get a breather from what I do now? Do I not do it because I know I am going to be disappointed?

Sometimes I want to write about everything that bothers me. Not that I want to complain or crib, but writing helps. It really does. Sometimes I think of opening an anonymous blog, just so I could write everything. But, I don’t think I will.