This Year

Its been exactly a year that we found out we were having twins. Exactly a year since that dreadful ER trip. I was so scared it was all over but I came home shaken about what happened and relieved that its not what I feared. Frankly, now that my days are so busy and filled with lots of little and lovely moments, I seem to have forgotten all about how I felt during those initial days and entire pregnancy period. Last year this time, I think I was waiting for my morning sickness to arrive, stayed home the entire down time. Luckily, it snowed after the new years, so the downtime at work continued. I stayed home all the time with mixed feelings. Scared that its two; happy that its two. We didn’t let any of the family know about the twins until we crossed the first trimester because things still seemed not sure and we didn’t want anybody to be disappointed. My regular appointments continued for weeks until I was sent to a regular gynecologist. Getting promoted to regular OBGYN was very different. It was very relieving to know that I was now a normal pregnant lady, past all the initial hardships. I know everybody says pregnancy time needs to be enjoyed, but for a soul like me who worries about everything, that wasnt happening. I constantly worried about the food that I was supposed to eat (100 g of protein every day, calcium, iron, blah blah blah for the 2000 calories required and yet had to watch out my intake because I may have gestational diabetes. Phew.).

Luckily Murali was finishing his MBA, moving on to job search and had some time in his hands for me (or for his kids 🙂 ). He cooked for me, packed me lunch boxes, made me breakfast, dinner, evening snacks. He did everything. And the only thing I was doing was forcing food down my throat. If Abhi and Achu came out weighing as much as an average single pregnancy baby does, they need to thank their dad for that.

Pregnancy and the arrival of Abhi and Achu filled most of my year. It was so relieving to see Murali finish his MBA and go back to the working full-time mode. Took another worry out of my head. I don’t think I have any other highlights, and frankly I don’t need anything else.

Abhi and Achu are now 5 months old. I can’t believe its been 5 months already. Time sure does fly fast. I don’t know what the next year is going to bring us, but as long as Abhi and Achu are happy and healthy…all is well with my life.

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I can’t believe I once had time do this. This was during Murali’s MBA days. I was like living all alone by myself then, despite having him around (who btw was busy 24*7 in his own world).

I don’t think I want this free time on my hands now. I am happy staying super busy. Thank you Abhi and Achu. 🙂

I was making grocery list and started writing down the items here. For some reason, I switched to Hindi and then the translation followed. No wonder I failed Rasthra Basha language test in Hindi. Even now, I can’t spell bru and can’t remember how to write pappu in hindi. And have no interest to find out now, either.

Maybe, when Abhi and Achu start to learn Hindi, I can get a refresher.

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P.S: My aunt was a hindi teacher. I hope she never finds this out. She will kill me.

What I Was ….

Recent exercise of deciding whether to go to India now or later reminded me about how much I changed. Years back, I would never have gone 2+ months without making a decision. Even if it was hard to make a decision, there would have been a clear plan A, plan B. Apparently, now-a-days I just push the part where I have to make a decision far far away.

Change is good, not that I have changed for all bad. I had my share of being very immature about decision-making, so maybe this is just a new way I am trying out; where I actually think. Nevertheless, this exercise got me thinking on what other things I have changed on.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, Here is presenting……Dil as she was few years ago..(What the current Dil can remember)

1. Loved little things: I did have dreams about that big europe trip, skydiving, hiking through amazon, but I also found happiness in little things. Like not missing the bus today; Ipod didn’t die on me; Nice audible songs playing around; Ate a five-star chocolate; Stayed up late and finished a novel etc. I had the realization that the moment was good and I truly enjoyed it. Over the years, being the busy adult that I am now, I have stopped caring/be happy about the little things (Abhi and Achu are an exception).

2. Never hated anyone: That’s a bold-italized-underlined NEVER. I had the share of people who said things they shouldnt have, but I always told myself if they said that, they don’t belong in my group. If they belonged in my group, its okay they said that. A wonderful practice. My friends were so jealous of me just for this characteristic of mine. (Some loved it too. 🙂 ). Dont get me started on what I do now.

3. Never was jealous of anyone: Like I said in one of my earlier posts, I am a changed person on this. I would never have believed if some one told me then that years from now, you are going to be jealous of other things. I simply wasn’t the kind.

4. Never the pessimistic type: Never thought anything could go wrong. Which is why, I sometimes made bold decisions without giving them much thought. I was once pronounced the reigning queen of world of eternal optimism as well. Never thought that even the end of the world was end of my world.

5. Always talking (sometimes without thinking): Something I changed for good. :). But maybe, a lot less talking now.

6. Helped many : I have stopped doing this not because I don’t intend to help anyone now, but because no one asks for my help now.

7. Sang aloud: Huh. I miss this so much now. It used to be so relieving.

8. Had a ton of exciting dreams: Now I just want to have a stable life. Pch!!

9. Believed in GOD: Believed that there was a super power that controlled, blessed,corrected us all. Now..lets leave that with a long Hmmmmm…

10. Over confident: Many of the things I have successfully accomplished were because I was little over-confident. Now the levels have sunk to the right level. unfortunately, they are still going down.

11. Believed everything happened for a reason : And that too a good reason.

12: Bought many many gifts for friends/family: Without a reason, just to show my love. Loved to surprise folks a lot.

There you go, I have written down my new resolutions. Thats making myself go back to the good old me (or what ever was good in me).

V and I used to be the bestest of friends. This was when we were doing undergrad. We both went to different engineering colleges. We were sort of neighbours and so we spent great deal of time with each other, hanging out in each other’s house. Once we even got locked out of each other’s home. We were at another neighbor’s house , my parents thought we were at V’s and V’s family left on some business thinking we were at my home. We didn’t realize until it was quite late that we were locked out. We didnt knock on our door. Instead, we decided to camp out on the quiet road. We stayed up there, sitting on the plain dirt roads, jumping from one house to another until about 2 am when V’s brother returned and let us in.

We were probably 20 years old then, and our biggest worry that night was that we were missing the premier of Kuch Kuch Hota Hain movie on Sony TV, something we were so eagerly waiting for quite a few days. Of course we didn’t mention to our moms the next day how we spent most of the night. Had we, we would have heard quite an earful despite us living in a very decent, quiet and safe colony. That age, I remember, I used to think moms are always paranoid. They don’t like fun or they liked fun in a very very safe environment. My dad was very easy-going. He always supported V’s and my outings, reminding us to be careful. And so he was my hero for letting us do what we wanted to. V and I were not ultra-modern then, but again, in the place we lived in, there were not many girls who wore jeans, leave alone ride a scooty to go shopping in the evening. We were doing all. Eating out, spending time at friends, visiting temples, camping near the gate – talking endlessly, late evening exhibition visits and many more. Just the two of us, on one of our scooties.

Today, I suddenly realized what our moms were saying. I understand her fear. I now understand the reason she constantly asked us not to go shopping during the nights or asking us to return by 8pm etc. She wanted nothing to go wrong. She had fear we would get hurt. Had I understood her fear then as I do now, I wouldn’t have stepped out of the house, ever. But, is that what I really want? Is that what I want for my kids? No. Definitely NO.

What we did then is what shaped us today. My dad let me and another friend of mine go on a solo trip to Mysore for a pilot training exercise. My friend and I managed to travel alone from hyd- Bangalore – Mysore. Stay at a friend’s place and return to Hyderabad after two days. The trip alone gave me lot of confidence. That I could survive in this world. Today, I am glad we were lucky nothing went wrong than being proud of what I have accomplished all by myself.

I bet you already know where all this originated from. It’s on all of our minds now. The recent happenings. Many of them I have successfully avoided reading/knowing about. Only because they make me feel terrible, terrified and unsafe. Its been a while I stopped reading all the news, listening to local channels; Only for the fear of hearing such things. But I heard the recent one through a blog. So there is no really avoiding these news. Is there? I do continue to ignore or respond to the news, where ever I find it. But I have also reached my quota of how much I can ignore. I need to speak out now to clear my thoughts and my fears.

I fear more as I think of my future visits to India, I am scared. I am really scared of what can happen. Not just to me, for all of us. My another best friend who travels on her bike to and from work. I almost told her today, be careful; stop driving by yourself at nights. I felt like a mother asking her to be careful. But I also know that except for getting over this or forgetting the incident, there is nothing that would make me feel safe.

My colleague at work I was just speaking to said, there isn’t anything we can do other than being super super careful. Like locking all of us inside? I wanted to ask. I kinda agree with her and I kind of don’t. School children who got killed last week, was it their fault that they went to school? Had they stayed at home, they would have been safe. Is that the solution to the problem?

I was reminded today of a chat I had with one of my friends few years back. He and I wanted to go to the Himalayas, camp there until GOD gave us super powers. It was only meant as a joke, we did quite a bit of fake planning and etc. But I do wish today, I (or one of us) had super powers. Looks like that’s the only way to fight the evil.

In Love…

Nothing makes me feel better than a good song. A nice tune..decent lyrics..and wonderful voices that bring those tunes and words to life. Such a bless it is. Listening to such a song is just like falling in love. I mean, I never fell in love.. But I imagine it must be something like this. The first time I listen to such a song..or when I listen to it after a long gap..my mind and heart are so much at peace. I am smiling within myself, savoring the lyrics, tune, voice everything, very very very happy in the moment. Unfortunately we do have to get back to the real life soon. Aah… how nice it would be to always live in such dreams.

My one such moment of happiness came yesterday night..listening to this telugu song for the very first time..I fell so deeply in love with it.

Yemito

If I want to remember the feeling for as long as I can, what other best way can I find than come write here. May there be many many more beautiful songs like these and may music always make me this happy (ohh..yes..of course you too.. 🙂 )

Lucky Duo

At work – on IM ,

Murali : Pick a number between 140,000 and 170,000.

Me (Annoyed at the range of numbers, thinking…no interest to pick a number or even type it. Copy paste 140,000) : 140,000

Murali : Okay

Two days later,

Murali: I won. 🙂

Me: What?

Murali: The job report estimate number pool money…I won.

Me: 🙂

Murali’s team at work places bets on what the prediction for the number of jobs is going to be. This is a monthly report generated by govt. Each time, team members pool in $5 each along with a number. Turns outt, this time job report numbers are close to 146,000 and Murali won. ( I guess, sometimes it helps that I be annoyed.)

Out of the $100 , Murali had to take his sub-team out for lunch at the office cafe. And look who benefits from the rest of the money. 🙂

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Confusions Continue…

I am one such confused soul. I have never been this confused in my life, as to what way should I go. It turns out more responsibilities we have, more difficult it is to make decisions. I am talking about what I am going to do for the next few months. I make a decision and then I start seeing the downside of that option, I switch to another one, then switch back to another. Its been one long loop of going back and forth. 😦

So as of 12/10/12, 9:00 pm ,my decision was to go to India with mom for 3 months, (working from India) come back in April, join Murali (take a break) and we four go to India in July for the twins birthday. That’s pending approvals from office and other logistics worked out etc. Inside, it was killing me that I will have to away from work for over 6 months. I maybe working from India, but that’s not the same as being in my seat. All day Monday, this was what was on my mind. So, 9:10 pm, Murali recommended yet another option, that I keep working until March (with babies), we four move to Vancouver in March. I take a break from work, and we all go to India in July for the birthday stuff. Sounds fine too. Doesnt it? For a minute it did sound fine to me. After all, I could keep working. Well, not anymore. Now the burden of having to take care of two infants hits me (And its not the physical work that I am worried about. It’s the apprehension of first time parents on whom the twins ENTIRELY depend on. Get how big of a responsibility that is? ). So, now I want to go to India with mom. 😦

Dad just mailed me that I cant have the cake and eat it too. I have to compromise one way. And answer is very obvious to me. Because I think I need to give what’s best for Abhi and Achu, I do want to take the route of going to India with mom. But why is it so hard for me to stay with that option?

I am so close to putting an voting button in here. Vote your option and I will go with it. 😦