Letting Go…

I am just jealous..I admit. I am very very very jealous of many people in this world. People who have this something I will never have. Something I really desperately need and as of now there is no hope that I will ever have it. And today, I am so down with the feeling of not having what I want, that I have to stop doing my work and come write here. I am not sure what I want to say, how do I clear my head, but I want to go let go of this feeling.

Anything I ever wanted in life, no matter I got it or not, my only saviour has been letting it go; Not needing it anymore. But this time its different. I cannot let this go. That’s my problem. I don’t have to sit here and feel jealous of those people, but I just have to learn to let it go. How do I do that? Who will help? I confide in my best friend, she says let it go. You see. That’s the problem. I cannot. I just cannot. And its only particular to this one thing. Sure I had let go of many other things I really wanted. At least stopped wanting them for now. Not this. Not this.

As I look for solution to my problem, I know nobody will really understand my problem. I know they do just a bit, but not as much as I see it as. Just consider my best friend, she asked me to let it go, because she knows there is no other way. Now, even she doesn’t understand that is something so important to me that I can’t let it go. Not without a ton of pain…atleast. And like all the times, I silently and not so silently cried over what I miss in life, I will just wait for me to return to normal. I dont know how. But it happens each time. Suddenly I get okay with it. And few days later, there it is again. I just hope, this time, I will get over it quickly. And until I can finally let go of it, I must suffer and be jealous of others.


Abhi and Achu Explained …

I wish I can capture every move of Abhi and Achu; The way I see them from my eyes. Smiles, cries, sleepy eyes..everything. We do take a lot of pictures and videos, but I don’t think I can ever capture the way I see them or the way I feel when I see them. Especially those little things, that change every week or even every day…

♥ Achu’s war with the blankets has temporarily taken a pause. Until last week, she kicked her blanket away, each time. The minute I put the blanket on her..she kicks it away… now, it’s a different game. Now that Achu is discovering different uses of her hands, she pulls the blanket on to her face with both her hands, so close that entire blanket is on her. When she is asleep we have to keep checking on her to make sure she can breathe. She keeps twisting the blanket in every way. I think she wants to hold something all the time. I need to get her a doll.

♥ While Achu is keeping her hands busy holding objects, Abhi is putting his hands to use by stuffing them in his mouth all the time. So much that sometimes he chokes. And I have been trying very hard to make him forget this habit. Each time I stop him from licking his hands, he puts them promptly back in. Never gives up. That’s a good habit, I guess. 🙂

♥ Achu’s discovering of putting her hands to use is very amusing to all of us. Whenever we take her close to anything, she stares at it so keenly, sees if she can touch it. We extend her hand and help her touch whatever she wants to. Now a days, she extends the hand herself and pushes her toy away or touches that “Welcome..Little One” poster we have. Last week, Achu and I spent 10 minutes playing a little game, I put her toy before her, she pushes it away, I put it back..game continues 🙂

♥ Abhi and Achu have started to recognize each other, just a bit though. I think, Achu does it more than Abhi. Whenever they are put next to each other, they stare at each other. Maybe they see the one next to him/her as just another toy. Abhi keeps on pulling Achu’s hair when he can or licks her hand. Achu quietly tolerates it. 🙂

♥ Little smiles are now turning into laughs. A sound or expression they hear or see suddenly sometimes brings out a cry, sometimes a laugh.

♥ Achu now insists that she hold her milk bottle. Unfortunately these trials happen when she is also hungry, which means she gets frustrated about not getting milk.

♥ Having twins means we need to keep track of their feedings, nap times and poop schedules. And to make things fun for us, we give Abhi and Achu a star (*) each time they poop. 🙂 Yesterday, after Abhi got a *, mom asked him – “Abhi, did everything go well?”. Abhi smiled and said – ” ooh “. 🙂

♥ Abhi and Achu continue to set new personal records in their nap time every day. Yesterday, Abhi slept for 19 minutes in one stretch, his longest nap during the day.

♥ One thing I adored and Achu doesn’t do any more is she putting both her closed fists next to her cheek when drinking milk. It was so cute. Abhi did it for a while too. But not anymore. What to do, kids do grow up.Huh!!!

♥ Although Abhi started to roll over first, for some reason he is taking a break and Achu is trying very hard now. First she tried with holding on to the blanket under her or our hand and try to pull herself to the side. Looks like, she realized that’s not the right way. So, now,she puts pressure on her right foot, pushes it hard and tries to turn to the left side. Its very interesting to see how she is trying different things to see which works. 🙂

♥ Abhi is getting so better at responding to us. Among many words he utters, ‘boo’ is his favorite. Now-a-days ‘ooh’ too. Abhi and I play the ooh game, where we say ooh one after the other. These days I have to give up because he wont. 🙂

♥ Achu very cutely makes many different sounds. I wish I could record them all. But by the time I go get a camera, she is doing something else.

♥  A favorite pass time for Murali and me during the nights is watching Abhi sleep. It feels so good that even the short time we get to spend when twins are asleep, we spend it on them.

Pav Ke Liye…

Aargh..I was so close in setting my own record of time I have gone without cooking. Guess where I tripped…almost 11 months. Just few more days and it would have been a real celebration event. Okay. Even if not for setting a record, I would have had fun not cooking..coz I just hate cooking. So, how did I survive without cooking for a year, you ask? Two people…One who has no choice but to cook (coz I wont)..Murali. Second, mom – who doesnt give other people a chance to cook.

December last year, after I got pregnant, I got super nauseous at the smell of cooking tadka, capsicum, rice, masala etc. Mainly things that fall under the category, food. After continuously throwing up, I declared I dont want to be anywhere near the kitchen. Lucky me, Murali took the responsibility of cooking (and cleaning). I was nowhere near complaining because a. I don’t have to cook. b. Murali is a better cook than I am. c. I have nothing to do with the kitchen. d. I don’t have to go into the kitchen. I enjoyed the luxury of food being prepared and multiple boxes ready for me to be taken to work. He even invented his own recipes. The famous Chana masala – Murali style. My colleague is a huge fan of this dish when Murali makes it. She kept on asking me for the recipe. I have never shared it with her because I had no idea myself. Few months into this routine, I did think that rate at which I was gaining weight was directly proportional to the amount of weight Murali was losing. Of course, I was too happy to complain about this because I love the not-cooking-me no mater what 🙂 . This went on for about 8 months until my mom and dad joined us. And by that time Murali got tired of cooking. Murali was happier than I was when my mom took control of the kitchen. I am not kidding. 🙂 And I had to break all of this why…Pav Ke liye.

Some time last week, mom mentioned that there was a packet of ready-made pav bhaji masala and ordered me to somehow use it soon. I told her somehow meant me preparing pav bhaji and guess what, that was not happening. Poor Murali stepped in again and we decided we will get some pav and he will prepare Pav Bhaji…and ofcouse, I will eat it. So I go get Pav, come home and realize that the version of masala at home is not something we always made. This was a new brand and we had no idea how it got in there. Lucky Murali this time, the great Pav Bhaji preparation plan was cancelled. Fast forward to this week, mom’s now ordered me to somehow use the Pav. Sigh. So, now Murali gets the masala (the right one), checks the Pav at home and tells me the Pav I got is not the right one either (my first aargh moment). Now he goes and gets the Pav. Okay, now we have all the right ingredients and then the wrong things happened. And I dont know how. I just found myself in the kitchen making the snack. 30 mins later, I was serving every one. 😦 😦 😦

See, its such a sad story. Isnt it? I mean seriously who asks a women to cook these days?

Anyhoo, here is what was served. Now, common people. I want to hear some claps for this modern-day women who survived close to a year with the joy of no-cooking.

To the Future Me…

Dear Dil,

In about two months from now, mom will be going back to Hyderabad, leaving Murali and you completely in charge of Abhi and Achu. Now, last weekend, you had your first glance of how it is going to be. Mom was gone for a walk in the morning; Abhi and Achu were in their crankiest moods, demanding your attention, food and at the same time rejecting your attention, food ; For that matter anything you were giving them. Murali and you tried divide and conquer approach. Hmm. (You know how it went.) And then you tried to put them in the same place. More chaos. After an hour of many many trials, Abhi and Achu calmed down, only because they got tired of crying and being cranky. Mom came back and things sounded like normal again. But some time later, when you calmed down, you realized that, for that one hour, you neither smiled nor were thinking of being happy about having those two in your life. And given that things get pretty serious around you when people (like ma) are not around, I have put together this list. When mom’s gone back, you will certainly come back and read this. The Sane-You is sending you these free pearls of Gyan. Please read and read and read.

1. Smile. It may cost nothing. But it will buy you a ton load of patience and energy.

2. Everyday is day one. Achu didn’t sleep last night. Last week they threw up over each other. Yesterday Abhi cried non-stop. None of these. Today is day one. Behave as if you were just handed over two babies. And the other good news, you don’t have the tiredness of a just being discharged after a heavy pregnancy or a delivery.. so more energy.

3. If you spent 23 hours caring for Abhi and Achu non-stop and have an hour to spare, spend that time with Murali Or call someone. One hour of sleep may bring you only little energy, but the same one hour of family time brings you more happiness coz they remind you – ‘We are with you’.

4. Remember that one time when you went aww over that twins you saw at a mall or some place. Well, you now have that awwwnesss with you … Just go Awww over your twins too.

5. Watch their pictures. From last week or when the twins were one month old or two months old. It’s got to bring back those smiles. In addition, don’t forget to take pictures of you and the babies. You got to see how much better it’s getting (or not. :))

6. No matter how much they have tired you in a day or night, each time they wake up, go to them with a big smile. It makes your life easier.

7. Dont forget to keep things in the  house that remind you of your passions. Remember one day you will get to them (While you are at it, make some wild ones too. 🙂 ). You will, one day, learn to swim. Half-dome is not going to disappear. You will climb it some day.

8. Come back and write here. Whether you are loving or hating your life now, these people are nice and they will make you feel better. 🙂

Something New…

Huh. So..In my last post, Did I sound like I was leaning towards taking a break from work? Hah…Life is funny..Fate is funnier..and who so ever is writing my fate..is now having a gala time confusing me in every possible way. You ask how? Just few hours after I published my last post, my new skip level manager (i.e. my manager’s manager) sends me an email asking for a quick sync up. He is new to the team and so I thought he just wanted to meet and greet. The next day, I am in office and my manager drops by to tell me that with all the re-orgs underway in the group, there are some lead positions open and he had referred my name to interview for one of the positions. And that’s why the skip manager is coming in to ask me if I am interested. Funny. Isn’t it? Here I am, dreaming of taking a break to spend time with my babies and here is an opportunity which everyone would go wow at. I just got promoted to a new level and usually everyone spends an year or two in this level to be eligible for interviewing for a lead position. And I get asked just few weeks after I got promoted? If this wasn’t added into the mix to confuse me even more, what is this? Of course, interviewing doesn’t mean I get the position. It’s actually tough to crack any full loop interviews at Microsoft. But I am told its a good thing to be even asked for it.

And you know what? A part of my brain thinks that maybe I will fail this and then there will be my final signal for taking a break (Sigh! why do I need these signals, anyway!!). But again, I am repeatedly told that I should not think that way, give my 100% at the interview, see how I fare. Well, of course that’s the right thing to do. Interviews are scheduled for next Thursday. Thank God, it doesn’t take too long to know the result. Whatever the result is…nothing to lose right.

P.S: My dear Achu, Weekend night movies watching plan was mom and dad’s. You are not invited. And that’s because you are hardly 3 months old and are watching tv at 10 pm. Even if the movie is Madagascar 3. It said parental guidance suggested and I certainly don’t suggest you watch this movie now. Now, go to sleep.

P.P.S : You Achu, again, You can make all the sweet and cute cooing sounds lying next to us here, I still object you keeping your eyes wide open and watching the movie. Seriously, sleep now…