I go back to work in about a week. Working full-time. Abhi and Achu will be only 12 weeks old when I return to work. They are still so young and need so much care from me. I have not really thought about taking a long break from work and staying at home. I don’t really know why. Maybe because I have always seen myself as a working mom. And looking at other moms at work, I have always told myself this is how I want to be or this is not something I want to. I have always heard other moms complain about not having enough time at work or at home because they have to attend to the kids. I have also seen few other moms just use the fact that they have kids and can’t take up extra work. And that’s what I didn’t want to be.
A colleague at work told me that work is pretty hectic these days and asked me not to join work this month. Now, I am not that kind of person who would back away from work when I know there is some. I do try to push myself (Something my dad taught me and something I hate each time I push myself) and so I did decide to go back to work as I originally planned.
On many occasions, I have taken up work proactively and from what I can see I gave it my best shot. Now, being a twin mom, I wonder if all that is going to change. I worry if I can focus on work just as much as I used to, if I will take up extra projects, if I will give my best or if I will ever have time to do work at all.
Abhi and Achu are not the craziest babies but they are not easy either. Most of the day and night, our time is spent on trying to make them sleep. During nights, we start their sleep routine at 7 pm. And then there is the crying, sleeping and waking up in few mins – On and on in a loop. Abhi doesn’t go to sleep until its about 10 pm. Achu – not until its 11 or 12. This is a daily routine. We tried almost everything. But so far, its been a bit difficult. And the biggest worry is that I know its not going to get easy. They are going to change and nobody can tell what is the best way to deal them. I hope with all the changes in life with babies, I can keep my work life intact. Do what I want to do and do it the best way I could. I do want prove people around me wrong; People with a perception that all working moms don’t do extra work, can’t stay up late night working, blah blah.
If that’s the worry on work front, another one is how much I am going to miss Abhi and Achu. Its true they make me work day and night. If they cause all the tiring, they do also provide me with some energy with those smiles. My rewards for working for them – watching them sleep, fight sleep, yawn, take bath, eat, drool, fist fight in sleep, kick blankets, cry when hungry, cry for a diaper change, cry for no reason. Many many more. All the little things I am going to miss. Things that wont come back. Things nothing can ever replace.
The more I think about it, more I want to be a stay at home mom, at least for an year and maybe even more. But I don’t know if I am saying that because I go to work in just about a week. I do think I don’t want to miss Abhi and Achu. What if I decide to let go of my career and stay at home? Or worse, what if I go back and accept missing Abhi and Achu is okay.
In the last 5 years, I have realized life is full of compromises. I have quietly made some, fought some. But having to leave Abhi and Achu alone at home is not something I can fight or accept. Because I don’t know what’s right or wrong. I hope time will make the right call for me and I will be happy about it.