Welcome Junior Calorie Boy…

Everyone..Please welcome dear Shardul into this world. He is now officially 4 days old and is, as expected, giving his mother good sleepless nights. Among all my friends having babies, Shardul gets a special mention because Suz is the first friend, whose pregnancy details I followed very closely; More than my own sister’s. From the day she walked to my desk with a funny face, saying, “I don’t feel good” and then “The hospital called and it’s an yes!”. I was so happy for her. And she was so excited, at the same time concerned, scared etc (First pregnancy you see…). Now all the support I can offer is via the words and only the experiences I heard from others (Pardon my lack of inexperience please, God chose her to go first. 🙂 ). Her nausea, her naps, life style changes, new foods, appointments, I used to be half excited as her. And Suz is like, being a strict vegetarian, if you hand her a meat product, she would first look at the calorie/nutrition table at the back of product, freak out at the sodium levels and then realize its meat. 🙂

Dearest Shardul…Welcome and here is wishing you a healthy and happy life. Eat well and eat all; unlike your mother don’t freak out at the low protein levels. Your mom makes some tasty snacks by the way. I know your mom does not read this blog, because I havent given her the link yet; But please some how convey to her that I am so eager to see your adoring eyelashes and cute hair.

 

Bole To..Khabar Mein…

 Almost gave a dear friend heart-attack by suddenly calling her after 4 years (In the world of friendship its only half as bad).  (And I take this moment to heartily thank the new Vonage service). Now, we are not talking about a hi-hello friend, Vaks and I were like the best of the best friends. All summer long, we used to spend at least 18 hours a day together. Being neighbors and our moms having a agreement about her friendship and about where we are helped a lot. God..I need more than a post…or may be even a blog to talk about our adventures (I am talking about like…being chased).  Anyway, coming back to now, we just seemed to continue where we left off. Our main topics of conversation being how irresponsible we still are and how surprised our parents are that we missed each others wedding. Hmm..Me too.

 I saw a bhoot. Not the blood-dripping or blood-sucking or even white saree wali bhoot, but a wind bhoot. Last saturday morning, I was still in bed; the fan was on and suddenly the blanket rose in the air and tried to attack me. I swear it was just like in paranormal activity. The super courageous Dil did not get scared at all (Alright..just a bit). I attacked and kung-fu’d the blanket. Now that I think about it, it seems like there are many chances that  the devil would have gotten into me. Hmm…eeeee..aa..haa..aaa..Mein sabki khoon pee jaooongi..eee..heee…aaaa.

 I was recruited into the indian cricket team as a player. Not in reality, just in a dream. When I just had to step in to the field to play, I was wearing a very traditional 9 yards saree and I couldn’t find the actual team dress. And then when I started crying, an angel (a real white feathered angel) came to me and gave me the dress. Funny, I was asked to wear a red dress. And then finally I was ready and some how I got lost trying to go to the field and I kept roaming around trying to find the field. Now that I think of it seems that the ICB wanted me on their team so badly that they were trying to put that idea into my brain. oh, by the way, this happened before I watched Inception.

 And then Inception happened. Among the 1048 people I know, only 3 disliked it. Out of three, one even slept and snored and I HAD TO WAKE HIM UP. Sigh. Since that moment, I had to multi-task to see he doesn’t sleep again. Although he claimed to have dozed off for only two minutes, based on the snore level, I am sure he has reached at least level 2 in dreams. That’s right. In my family, we measure level of dreams based on the noise caused by snoring.

 As if bhoot’s episode was not enough, I got physically hurt. I know it’s not very pretty saying this, but I got hurt playing tug-of-war at an office picnic. She, who thought, she was as fit as the Bond himself, and can take on the world just like that, hurt her hip, right leg and shoulders while pulling the rope. Alas, the team didn’t win either.   I guess, it’s mostly because I was not able to give my best. Happens…:(

 I won $500 in Cash Cab. No, not on the actual TV. But locally; In our car; Hosted by the uber-talented Murali. And let me tell you. It was not easy answering all those questions. Almost on the verge. 2 of 3 strikes. Third strike and I would be kicked out of the car (Not literally..How dare he? He doesn’t want to come home later or what ). It started with questions like “What is the fastest air route from Seattle to Hyderabad?”, “What is the name of the website that’s notorious for publishing confidential government information?”. That’s it. Two strikes. And to keep going I had to use my two help lines, mobile shoot-out and street-shoot-out. Question for you guys. Whom do you think I called? Anyway, I was able to so smartly answer his next two questions (after I sent him some signals to go a little easy), by answering “Name 3 DiCaprios movies? (This was the red light challenge..:) )” and “What is the name of Nagarjuna’s next movie? (boo….)”. Ahh. Five hundred dollars. I am thinking of how to spend it. As soon as I get it, though :(.

♦ New Telugu songs suck big time. May be not all of them, but some of them definitely do. Shutting of the music right now. Jai Asha Bhosle.

P.S: What’s with the colors? Somebody is singing Mujhe Rang De…

P.P.S : Ok. I swear I wont do it next time.

Movie Madness…

An overdose of movies lately and I am here, writing this. Recently, I have disliked every movie I watched. Even the best of the best movies are not on my watchable movies list. For the record, the only movie I liked recently is a Telugu movie called Gamyam.  To me, it’s not the action, lead actors, violence or masala that make a good movie, but its the story. But I should mention that good music stand-alone gets a lot of appreciation from me. Coming to talking about modern-day cinema makers,

@ If you think any thing in the movies these days is silly, you shouldnt be making movies.

@ There are only two types of movies. One is a sense less commercial movie and the other is a flop movie.

@ A pre-requisite is that you must have watched all non-indian movies before the audience has so that you can make a genuine copy.

@ Wanna make a movie and you don’t have a story? No problem. Make sure you get these people in this order.

  • A music director who can make a decent remix of somebody’s music.
  • A top notch fashion designer who has the ability of making the skimpiest of clothes (or simply, uses the scissors wrong)
  • For acting, hire who ever you see next. (Pick me..Pick me…)

@ If you are thinking of making a regional movie and blowing up fifty cars for the lead actors introduction scene seems unnecessary to you, get out.

@ Comedy, here and there, is must. But don’t worry. All that you have to do is think of some sleazy, insane and stupid bits. (Even better if you are drunk while writing this.)

@ No words like ‘family entertainment’ exist in the modern movie dictionary.

@ There is as such no required order in which you should plan the movie. You can get the six songs done first, followed by the hero’s introduction scene, climax fights, the thing that you call romance and later decide on a story and how you want to connect all these things. It’s that easy. May I suggest outsourcing this connecting jobs to kids from near by school? I am pretty sure they can do a better job.

@ If you plan on remaking a hit movie into another language, you don’t really have to watch the movie. There are pros now when it comes to making stunning copies.

@ Sometimes it works even better when you get most of the things above wrong, in which case you would have carried numerous publicity stunts (like celebrating the 50 days function even before the movie has released).

I am sure the list goes on. It’s an easy job for all the movie critics/reviewers. Your default review scripts can have a 3 out of 5 with keywords, love, fights, sleazy comedy, nice locations and nothing new story.

Off to watch Inception tomorrow. I already have my expectations set high. Something tells me I wont be disappointed.

Save My Soul…

Some of the PJs and insane talks that I had endure in my life.

**************

Me: No no..Wait..I am eating my words.

Him: How is it? Are they spicy?

**************

Me: Oh. I don’t know. I am in such a confusion.

Her: Huh? Confusion? I thought you are in a chair.

**************

Me: shut-up. Otherwise I am going to cut you into pieces.

Her: When you are done cutting, can you leave my hands and legs at one place? I need to paint my nails.

**************

Me (Looking at a new remote-controlled key start bike): Wow..That is cool.

Him : I am going to buy even an upgraded model.

Me: Really? What does that do?

Him: It’s also going to start with a remote-controlled key, but it also comes to me and picks me up where ever I am.

**************

Me (Looking at a newest first generation iPod): Wow..That is cool.

Him : I am going to buy even an upgraded model.

Me: Really? What does that do?

Him: It automatically pauses songs when I remove the ear phones from my ears.

**************

 Her: I am bored. Can you entertain me for some time?

**************

Him: Generally I chat with intelligent people. You are an exception.

**************

Him: You know, no matter what wrong things you do in a day, if you accept them to God before you sleep, they are gone. Just like a system reboot.

Missing…

I hate this feeling. It makes me feel very sad. Two days ago, I had to go live some where else, with other people, not that they are really new, but what really bothers me is the change, losing the comfort of my home and my bed. And then, once I get used to the change, I realize that this is where I really wanted to be, with people who care about us. Seeing the little girl smiling, trying to crawl (she is just one btw) and every body is waiting desperately for her to take one step forward. The parent are so ecstatic. She completely makes us forget everything else. But it also feels bad, knowing that we are far far away from experiencing these feelings and even away from a settled life. And suddenly its time to go back home. Time to go back to just the two of us. You know you can’t stay at the new place permanently, where there are lot of faces and different things going around that can make us forget all the worries, at least temporarily.

Six hours of flight and we are back to the place where we have to deal with everything on our own and there are no faces that can make us forget things. Yes, that’s life.

The Best Bahu

Like the soccer world cup, I guess this event will also happen once in 4 years. The event is called Meet-The-Inlaws. I am flying down to Washington DC to meet them over the weekend. They are currently staying at Murali’s brother’s  place. In-laws made it all the way from India, but they couldn’t come visit us over here. They assured that they will certainly stay with us the next time. Well, lets see, in the last 10 years,

No. of persons expected to visit – Year span – No.of actual visits

                             2                   10-12 years                            1

Well, looking at the statistics, its pretty obvious when the next time is going to be.

So Dil is temporarily, I repeat, temporarily going to be in her traditional avatar. Dearest Mom called a day in advance to give me THE checklist. A check list of few things I am supposed to carry (oops…wear..wear), few things I am supposed to do, and few things I have to pretend to be not existing in this world.

Going forward, let this list serve as a baseline to all those who want to make the avatar transition temporarily.

Let’s start with what to wear.

@ The Holy Sutra. If you, like me, have a yellow thread in the sutra, make sure you draw some dark markings with pencil over it. The clean, clear yellow thread just gives away the signals that you never actually wore it (and oh yeah….We are never that particular about cleaning them regularly).

@ A bright red, five cm diameter bindi. (On a side note the brand name on my old bindi packet reads ‘Grace Girl’). Cant stress enough about the brightness and the size of the bindi.

@ At least five grams of kumkum applied right below the bindi. If only grandma was talking to me on the phone, I swear she would have insisted an applying the kumkum horizontally. (Yeah..For some in my family, it’s a sin to have the vertical line on your forehead. Gosh..people I tell you..)

@ Two similar sets of bangles on each hand. Btw, Mom didn’t mention how many of them I should be wearing in each set, but she probably meant that as long as both the hands add up to a 1/4 kg of gold, it is okay.

Coming to what I need to forget

@ Sleeve less, Skirts, Caprice…you know the list.

Now the toughest part, things I need to fake

@ Stopping talking non-sense. (She probably meant all that I am writing now)

@ Sitting straight in the chair

@ Not calling Murali, Murali in front of them. (Common Mom..)

@ Not grinning when asked to touch Murali’s feet for blessings. (Cant stop laughing..)

@ No more waking up late or no longer sitting at the TV and waiting for the food to arrive. Get up now and go help in the kitchen. (Even if I had just stand there..sigh..Mom or Monarch???)

Well, all these might sound too bad, but for few days, I don’t mind doing them, just because it pleases my mom. (Dont think about how she can know? Even if she is not here, she knows, she has her sources (read Murali) )

I am off to being a Good Bahu for the weekend and try impress my in-laws. Sitting in airport now and finishing this. Did I mention I am wearing a skirt? 🙂 

Yours Lovingly and Traditionally

Dil Under The Rocks ( aka The Grace Girl)

The Perfect Logic

Three days of super sunny weather and two following rainy days;

A super cold morning and a sunny, shiny evening;

One normal morning and snow in the afternoon.

I was wondering what algorithm does the Washington-Weather-Lady use to determine what she is going to do next. Must be something crappy like this.

public JustVoid DetermineWeather(bool useCrappyWeather)
{

 //Lets do something different once in blue moon.
 bool onceInBlueMoon = false;
 
 int today = GetTodaysDate();

 //Set some defaults
 string morning = “Bad”;
 string afternoon = “Worse”;
 string evening = “Better than worse”;
 string night = “Worst”;

 string yesterday = “You Know it rained”;
 string today = “Only this logic knows”;
 string tomorrow = “You Never Know”;

 while(UntilDinosaursTakeOver)
 {

 if(!useCrappyWeather)
 {
         Print(“What were you thinking? This is Washington.”) 

        //Never mind what’s requested, it’s always crappy.
       useCrappyWeather = true;
 }

 //Lets fix blue moon
 //Some logic that almost always returns negative
 if(today == “End of the world”
       || today != “start of the year”
       || today == “Alien sighting day”
       || today == “Belongs to Cretaceous period?”
       || today != “holiday”)
 {
   onceInBlueMoon = true;   
 }

 //We never want the weather to be the same as yesterday’s.
 //Just pretend to reverse the weather (Business/Marketing idea to get more people live here)
 //Read Environmental (literally) variable
 yesterday = ReadEnvVar(“YESTERDAY”);//Worst average of yesterday’s

 switch(yesterday.ToDisgusting())
 {
            case “DISGUSTING”:
                    morning = “Just the same”;
                    break;

            case “CLOUDY”:
                    morning = “Keep it Rolling”;
                    break;

           case “Raining”:
                    morning = “Can we make it worse?”;
                    break;

          case “Sunny”:
                   morning = “You are just lying”;

  //Double check weather was good
  MessageBox.Show (“Was weather yesterday Sunny? Select an option”, “No”,”No”)
  
  if(LoadNewResponse() == “No”)
  {   
     morning = “I told you..”; 
  }
  else
  {
     //Something is really odd here.
     //Anyway, check for blue moon
       if(onceInBlueMoon)
      {
        morning = “OKAY. FINE. Enjoy while it lasts.. Grrrrr..”   
      }
     else
     {
      morning = “(Grinning)..Sorry folks…”;
     } 

  break;   

 case “Really Cant Say”:
          morning = “What makes you think you will have stable weather today?”;
        break;

 }

 //Alright, lets set the rest of the day

 if(morning ! = Sunny)
 {
        afternoon = Aggravate(morning);
        evening = MakeWorse(afternoon);
        night = JustGoToBedWhyDoYouCare(“never mind”);
 }
 {
    for (today = 0; today < next 10 days; today ++)
    {
          Apply(“Its pay back time”);         
    }
 }

 //we are almost done. Lets calculate the average of today and set the environmental variable
 yesterday = GetWorseOfToday();
 
 //There is nothing fair in this world my dear..Just reset
 yesterday = “Super crappy”; //enjoy….          
 }

}