The Lazy Long Weekend

Thanksgiving long weekend has come and gone. Just like most of the year. Our wedding anniversary, spring, summer, all four birthdays, end of summer, fall and Halloween. All of them have come and gone. This Thanksgiving I realized that I didn’t even think once about planning a day trip during the break. Usually when holidays are coming, I plan and see if we can go somewhere, but this time thought of travel was nowhere close to my brain.

Hence, the lazy weekend. I planned and took off from work, Wednesday early, to go shopping. Thankful to the stores that realize mommies like me can’t really go Black Friday shopping at 2 in the morning (or not even any part of that day), and have their sales from Wednesday. Isn’t that nice? I beat the rush and got some good deals. I bought sweaters and dresses for me and for kids. I even went home decor shopping, but it didn’t work out much that day.

Thanksgiving break is usually when my Christmas decoration and lights come out. My goal this time was to decorate the house completely and make it look like Winter wonderland. So when I finally decided to go shopping on Saturday for home decor and bought stuff for $50, I thought I had everything I need.🙂 Turns out I didn’t. I would like all my home to show the holiday mood, and currently only one corner of our home is doing that. So, back to shopping I will be, this weekend (hopefully).

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We bought some lights already and I spent Thanksgiving morning fixing them, while kids watched TV and Murali cooked. It was a perfect scene. Most of the weekend rained for us this time. I don’t have a picture, but it’s usually so serene out here when it rains like this. I love it.

We have more outdoor lights to buy obviously, there is a lot of ground area to light up. Remember winter wonderland goal.🙂 So that’s yet to be done.

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Friday morning, we also did Satyanarayana Swamy Vratam at home, all by ourselves. We usually get a poojari to come help with the procedure, but this I wanted to try on our own. Hoping that it would make us more involved with the process and I am glad I did it. It was more peaceful prayer this time than following what being told. I think this might be another tradition for us to keep. We did the same Pooja last Thanksgiving as well.🙂

Recently, I broke my ‘no eating out at a restaurant’ rule and I have been waiting to go to this Indian place that Murali and I love. Their Naan and Paneer were the most authentic and yummiest. But you know like that effect where you want something so bad, and when you get it, it doesn’t feel that good? We didn’t love the food this time. But still was nice to go eat out and not have to cook.

We also ate out a Mexican restaurant Sunday night. This is kind of becoming our family tradition. Kids love the food here (obviously) and I love the Margaritas. This should totally be our routine every Sunday night, especially given that I get so depressed then thinking about work. We came back from the restaurant and decide to sit next to the tree and sing songs.🙂

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This is also the time of the year when I love keeping my living room in the dark just for those tree lights. I don’t know what is it with these lights that I love, but it just cheers me up. We stopped decorating our tree after a while and decided to get other color ornaments.🙂 Can you see the red car with tree on top in my book shelf? Isn’t it cute?🙂

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I don’t even remember stepping out of the house except for this shopping and food. I took a nap almost every day with kids. They both have been a bit sick the whole weekend and naps were needed, for all of us.🙂 Rainy weather did its thing and made us even more lazy.

Here is to more lazy weekends. I can’t wait for the winter break.

Good Things

It feels pretty weird that given that any kind of bomb would drop on my head, I am actually trying to write about any sort of good thing happening in life now. But I got to do it. This list is not going to be long, anyway. 

* Drive today. Rain took a break today. So, we headed out for a drive. First there was mountains to see, then lake. None of that happened. But when the little guy stopped us for a bathroom break and I found out there was an Indian restaurant some 30 miles away, that became our new destination. Food was good, best of all, kids ate a good lunch. Canada border was some 30 miles away, so we drove there again. This is the first time I saw a different country from land. I know it means nothing, but I felt good. 

* Back to boots. I love my fall/winter boots. I can’t stop wearing them. I am ready to buy more, but situation at home always stops me from some spending these days. 

* Home shopping again. Exactly a year ago, I decided to not buy home decor from store, but try to shop thrift store and make my own. So, for exactly an year, I didn’t set foot in any of the home decor stores. All that I added new in the last year were thrift store finds that I painted or am waiting to paint. Well, except for Halloween stuff of course. So this Friday, I gave up on that and went wall decor shopping. I was going through the aisles and literally wanted to bring home all of them. But I didn’t anyway. I got two laundry room signs and first piece of decor for kiddos bathroom. That made me happy. 

* Also, a year ago, I decided to force myself to cook better food and not just eat at restaurants. So, in the last year, I didn’t set foot in any of my fav restaurants to eat food. For this exact reason, when we went to San Diego, I made a list of what I wanted to eat and did exactly that. And I also ended this little rule last week. Since giving up, we ate out already 4 times.🙂 

* And you know what was the most exciting part of my weekend? Our dishwasher that we thought was broken started to work. When I realized, water wasn’t coming in and I knew no body touched those knobs in years, I researched and found out it could be a valve issue. I watched videos, called repair folks, bought the part, attempted the repair myself – all of this going on for weeks now, and we painfully washing the dishes our self. I couldn’t do the valve replacement myself, but guess what. Problem was really that water was turned off. Yeah, those knobs I assumed no body touched in years, was touched by someone and got turned off. And to think of how much time it took for me to realize this wasn’t a complicated problem. Stupid, I know. This is just another classic example of how I think all problems are complicated. Some are really not. It’s important to separate them out. Anyway, dishwasher working again is something that really cheered me up this weekend. I needed that really.

End Of The Blog

This may very well be the end of my blog. It’s not that I don’t know what to write I don’t have anything to write it says that I can’t get myself to write anything here and help myself This is too many things I don’t know where to start.  

I thought I was having a hard time last year, at least it was just a mental thing. But this year, it’s all of the crap together. The two things that kept me going. Kids and my love for home decorations. Even those two things don’t seem to be helping me anymore. kids –  What do I say? this blog was all about how much fun it was raising these 2 kids how much fun it was listening to them, doing this silly actions but now it’s all so different. It’s all just crying and crying and crying. The tantrums, not eating food, making me go crazy. Anytime they stick my name I feel like banging my head. I don’t what to do. I can’t help them anymore. I don’t know what to do. I just wish they would stop crying to go to school but they won’t. Every morning is a challenge for me, put that together with my work tensions. The other situation we are in; Worries about the future. Everything is just driving me nuts and I don’t see the way out. 

Halloween is coming, I thought this was that one time of the year where everything would feel alright because we get to decorate our home, talk about costumes, turn the lights on, everything. But this year, it’s been so hard this time that even the idea of Halloween does not make me feel happy. I’m not excited about anything anymore. It’s just so hard because it’s not just me, even the kids are suffering because of this. When I’m not happy, they are not happy and they are not happy. I’m not happy, I don’t know how to break this thing. I dread every day, every night.

 So what do I do? I try my best to come out of this feeling; this mindset, but I can’t help it. One of the days it feels like it’s going to be OK, we will get through this, I have to stay positive and the other times, it’s just so depressing that I don’t know what to do. 

Last week I even tried to make a list of things that make me happy. Just a list of things happening now that I’m happy about and guess what nothing came up on the list. Not the cloudy weather that I used to like, not playing with kids, not decorating my home for Halloween, painting nothing nothing. Nothing seems to help me now. I even started shopping for new clothes. Even though I know I cannot spend money on things like that anymore. But I do that to make myself feel better and it doesn’t help. Surprisingly work, sometimes even though it seems so challenging and tough to me, is the only thing that is helping me focus away from all these mental tensions. And I don’t like it sometimes trying to distract myself away focusing on work even is challenging because my work is getting challenging. Expectations and everything. I don’t have any patience or energy to spend time on my work. I really envy people who get to go to work and focus, because my morning and few nights are so tired with all the worries about kids and home situation going on in my head that I cannot try to focus on my work. I feel distracted. I don’t know what to do. 

I honestly don’t know. It’s that time again and I’m just waiting for a miracle to happen and miraculously fix everything that’s going on and get me out of this, but I don’t know how it’s going to happen. And I just wanna get out of this mental state. I can’t take it anymore. I can’t treat my kids, the way I’m treating them now. They need my love and I’m not doing my best as their mother. I’m not doing the right thing. But I don’t know what will help me though.

Here Again…

Did I write in my post earlier that start of September triggers some kind of bad craziness for us? A feeling something is going to go wrong. I did. I also said, just thinking about it doesn’t mean I can stop it. Well, I certainly hoped that I might be able to stop whatever was going to happen. But it’s too late. My worries were right. Something did happen. Just as awful as last time.

What is going on here? Why must we be hit with these life changing issues every once in a while? Needless to mention I have been feeling so terrible since this started. That too familiar feeling in the stomach, tension I can feel in my heart, that fear. All too familiar that I still remember from last year. And from everything before. When something happens for the first time, you feel bad, determine to stay strong and get through it. When it happens again and again, what do you do? I myself, despite not weeping openly, would like to hide in my closet and cry. I am very sure it wont help anything, but that’s what I feel like. I am not exaggerating.

Add to this, we heard back from Kids school last week that their current school is indefinitely closed. Just like that. Few more confusions later, we decided to switch schools. All of this was decided in half a day. New school is not close to us. Abhi and Achu will have to endure travel through traffic jams twice a day, will have to wake up early, stay in school more.

And then there is my new job tension. I wonder what happened to all my energy and excitement of a new opportunity. What has happened to it? I remember being excited about it, trying to do my 100% more than it, staying ahead of everything. What had happened to me? Now everything just seems like a burden and I can’t seem to get myself out of it. Between the new tragedy in our lives and my work tensions, I actually welcomed kids school change issue as a good distraction. Until I realized it was not. Kids are going to suffer and so do we. It might get better and settle down soon, but until then, more worries, it is.

What is going on here, really? I will ask why a zillion times, but we wouldn’t know right? Just tell me what do I need to do to keep these unexpected incidents from keep happening in my life. And get us out of this one. I had enough already. That’s what I wish for.

 

My Kind Of Day

One of the days, last week, was exactly my kind of day. A day I have been dreaming of. It was not perfect by any means. In fact, by afternoon I was frustrated with kids going crazy and driving me crazy and worried what I would do if we all stayed home all the time. As in, what will happen with my future plan of quitting job and spending more time with kids?

Having nowhere to be in the mornings, I woke up late. But kids didn’t. Of course, right? No kid will sleep late on the day off.🙂 But the good part was that we didn’t wake them up. we didn’t hurry them. We didn’t have to stop ourselves from yelling at them because we were getting late and they wanted to play. We didn’t have to rush. It might sound like nothing, but I actually consider that a privilege. I let kids play as long as they wanted. When they were ready, I took them downstairs. Gave them milk or juice, whatever they wanted. No forcing cereal down the throat. They played for a while. For another change, I had breakfast too. I made dosa for all of us. Fed kids with my own hands. I even made a sweet for Krishnasthami. I made kids favorite lunch later, again fed them while they were watching TV. They could eat by themselves, but no I wanted to feed them. We all watched our favorite movies again. Kids played and played and played.  They played pretend games; They built legos; And there was, of course, the sprinkler fun. They also played pretend games running through the sprinkler. Rescuing toy puppies, our socks; Pretending to be Captain Hook and Mr.Smee. Ahoy fun, it was.

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Then freshly cleaned, towels wrapped around their heads, we call them koppu people, they danced in the front porch. We ate dinner in the front porch too. Only Abhi calls it French Court.🙂 Walking around in the front yard, eating yummy pasta with lots of cheese, kids and I had a blast. Then the best thing happened.

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We went out for a walk. For the first time this summer I think, we headed out for a walk in the neighborhood, post dinner. It was little bit dark, but Abhi, Achu and I walked around, looking at plants, lights, talking about sky. It was beautiful. I wondered why we didn’t do it before, why not everyday of the last two months. It was just not a walk in the nice weather. It was also just a peaceful mind, with no worries for tomorrow, no schedules, no bed times to worry about. It was just my kind of day.

Just the way I wanted it. I was just in love with this thought ever since the day happened. I wanted to write happily about it. But now, this is making cry. Realizing how I wont have it anymore. Why things are going the opposite way of what I wanted to and making me all confused.

Listen to my situation again. I want to spend time with kids; I want to focus on my home; Take time off for myself; Yes, just me. That’s one reason enough why I want a break. I set myself a target of one year before I take a break from the job. Financial, stability reasons plus making sure ‘this is what I really want’ are the reasons. (Well, mainly financial and stability). Here I am thinking I don’t want to spend an ounce more of energy than what I am doing now and guess what happens at work. I get thrown into a new team. Completely new work; Pretty much one person team, that’s me for now; And that means that  I need to triple the work I am doing. Spend more hours at work, think about more things; It means that my brain is going to be completely full of work thoughts, like always.

Does that sound anything like what I want? Nope. Don’t get me wrong. I have been in this ‘go an extra mile’ phase before. More than once. And I had done it. Better than what was expected. Now, I DONT want to. I simply don’t want to put any more energy and time into my work than what I have now. And if I don’t, it will just mean that I will do a bad job, not meeting expectations. Even in my regular job now, I know there is a lot more I can do (and I would have done otherwise previously), but not anymore. I just don’t have the energy nor passion nor time for it.

Ever since I heard about the change and the expectations, this is the war going on in my head. Should I suck it up and do what is expected of me? Should I not take this opportunity seriously and do a bad job? Should I just quit? Can I just go tell them I don’t want this and commit career suicide? Should I ignore my kids and my health a little more?

This is not fair. I just want my kind of day back. Many of them. Happy days with my children with a worry free head of mine, going on walks, playing in the front yard. That’s what I want.

A Trip To The Beach

In this year, yesterday was our third beach trip. Of course it was unplanned. But the little kids said ‘Beach’ and Dad immediately decided it was the beach. I love beach trips as well. But given that we had a big beach trip to San Diego few weeks ago, I wasn’t very excited. Plus that beach is a 4 hours away and we spend less than the total travel time over there. But, yesterday, beach it was.

We set out a little early, but not too early. We stopped over for lunch way before we reached the beach. We ate pizza at McDonalds. Don’t ask.🙂 Things we do for kids are uncountable. Beach town we were going to head down to was WestPort. But we told kids it was Seaside. We were at SeaSide beach for kiddos third birthday and for reasons only known to kids, only that place was acceptable for beach trip. So we did what any parent would do, took them to WestPort and told them it was SeaSide. Kiddos happy; Parents happy.🙂

Surprisingly, by the time we reached the beach, we got down and realized, it was COLD. Not too crazy winter cold, but it was cold. And guess what, in the back of our trunk, we found one of my jackets, one kid jacket, that’s all. Luckily we had bunch of backup clothes. Like a dozen of them. I know it was a lot of help at that time, to warm the kids up, but now that I think about it, I don’t why we had so many clothes in the car. Well, I am not complaining anyway. Abhi wore three shirts and said no to jacket. Achu wore like 3 tops and then put the jacket on. I had my jacket for a while but decided to hand the jacket to Murali and bare the cold. See, things wives do for husbands, uncountable too.🙂 I am happy Murali was warm, but I have to say, now all our pics are odd with Murali wearing a girls jacket. He was also wearing Achu’s kid yellow sun glasses.🙂

In total, this was our third trip to WestPort, so we knew where to go. But this was a good surprise. We were walking towards the beach and we found this hut built by logs around. Not sure who took the time to do this, but this was just amazing for us to go settle down in. Especially because it was little cold, we all settled down into this cozy logs hut and warmed up a bit. It wasn’t windy inside. Pretty good view of the beach as well. What else do you need.🙂

We all cozied up inside for a bit and slowly headed out to play in the sand. Sand was just beautiful. So soft and cozy. Murali and kids played the great act of ‘legs disappearing in the sand’ and ‘warriors coming out of the blocked sand’, while I spread out the beach mat, lay on my tummy and rest. When it was time to leave, it was really hard to get up because I felt so relaxed. Don’t know if it was the sand or the breeze or just the beach itself, I left the beach very relaxed.

When we got to the beach, it was  bit foggy. And that was beautiful view as well. Soon it cleared out and yep, that was beautiful too. Okay, I change my mind. I will be more excited about a beach trip next time.🙂

Kids had so much with their beach toys, digging in the sand that none of us even stepped in the water. Yes. We went to the beach and didn’t step in the water. This was the first time I did that. I have learnt that water in Washington is never warm enough. Cozy log hut and was good enough for me this time.🙂

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While heading home, we took a little detour of the marina. Bought some candy and we all had a little candy fest in the car. Eating, sharing and fighting for yummy chocolates. Dinner later, my choice, was a disaster. I am still trying to forget the disappointment. I made a rule for myself to not eat at restaurants as long as we are in town. And on trips like this, is when I want to enjoy restaurant food. But this restaurant was a major disappointment and I wish I had home food to eat. Anyway, next time, we will choose better.

We got home after some 10 hours trip. I bought some shells home, still got to decorate with them in my book shelves. I think I can say that we wont be doing any more beach trips for this year. Unless we plan to go to Hawaii. I am always okay with that.🙂

Thoughts Tonight!!!

Past couple of days have been exhausting for me. Well, actually last four years have been exhausting actually, but, specifically last three weeks were more crazy than usual. Work commitments and expectations, falling sick like ‘need antibiotics’ sick with cold, cough and non-stop headache. Add to that the usual ‘not spending enough time with kids’ guilt, plus ‘my home is not clean’ craziness. All of them packed together into one.

Oh! There is also the new work commitment at work, that will begin next week. And once again, there is the usual ‘prove yourself’ job. I am sick and tired of doing this actually. If not this, there is another scare in my mind right now, which I can’t even get myself to type. All of this might be a result of the horrible thing that happened last year. I don’t know if my brain is already processing this unconsciously, but, it will be a year soon the last shaky thing happened to us. Thinking of September, actually scares me in a way. Like some bad thing is going to happen again.

Well, too bad just feeling that wont stop anything from happening. I got to let go of that feeling, right? Especially this week. I took time off work. Kids are not in school this week. So I am hoping we will all get to do something fun. Even if it doesn’t mean a trip to somewhere. Just relaxing, nothing to worry inside my head. No emails to worry about. Etc.

I have plans to do some painting, spend time with kids, watch TV, do some painting before Summer ends. And blog of course. My friend V and I are planning a hiking trip this Friday, hopefully that happens too.

By the way, Halloween is a good two months away, but we are already super excited about it. Today (and almost every day) Achu, Abhi and us talked about what new decorations to buy, how to decorate our front porch, visit to the Halloween stores to visit spooky attractions. Buy more Halloween decor. of course, we talk about what costumes to pick, almost every other day. This time, we might have a party for everybody dressed. I would like to dress up too. Just the mere thought of Halloween cheers us up. Like I mentioned before, Halloween has become our Deepavali.🙂

I can’t avoid what’s going to happen now or in near future. I can only distract myself and pray to God that life wont be hard like it was last year.

So, I plan to write more. May be I will make a mini blogging challenge. Write a post every day, at least until next week. Lets see if I can live up to my expectations.🙂