2020

Few years ago, I was at a place where I felt stuck, wanted to get out so very badly, but I couldn’t. I counted days before I left the place, told myself it was only a phase. But it was so tough to hang in there. It took forever but time did pass and I could get out of that place.

I came home. I got busy with life. With kids and work. Life moved on. Then after a long time, I took a month long break to go to India. Visit my mom and dad, my home town, stay in my childhood place, meet my sister and her family. Kids had a gala time. I cherished every moment of it, now knowing how precious all of it was.

Good times always come to an end. So here I am back to my home after the trip, and into feeling stuck in a place where I don’t want to be, again. I thought those few months back then were hard to pass. But coming back home today, walking right out of the airport, on the bridge right there, I was telling myself, welcome back to lonely life; Welcome back stress, busy life, sleepless nights, worrying out life, unbearable leg pain etc. Mainly a life where I am by myself.

I didn’t realize all these years but I am stuck in that phase again where I can’t leave. Only this time I can’t leave it like I did last time. That is not an available option. I recently read this book – Alias Grace. It has a line in it about what it means to be stuck somewhere. It’s like hanging from a bridge. You haven’t fallen yet so that’s good but it takes every ounce of energy to stay hanging from that bridge. And you have to do it every single minute.

I have made many right and wrong choices in my life but the worst one is leaving my family. I did that in hopes of finding the same kind of affection and love that I had with them, but no other achievement in life has filled the gap of not having it. I got carried away with ambitions and goals and dreams of having a better life that I didn’t realize I had a better life already. Even if it was possible it didn’t get better.

Why I am writing this today when the pain is so heavy? Surely I could give it few days, choose to get busy with work, and distract myself. Because no matter what goes on in life, how many years have passed, this is what it comes down to. I am not able to get over my need for affection. My need for love. To be specific, it comes down to people vs place. You can be in the worst place and have best people with you, you will be okay. It doesn’t work vice-versa.

There were many instances in my month long vacation where I considered, even imagined living in Hyderabad with my parents. Surely I won’t be as pampered as I was. Life will be different and difficult there too, but I will have part of what I need; what I can’t get over.

New year began with me leaving my loved ones behind, reminding me again what I need from life, what i can’t get over. That’s why I need to write this down today. Before I get busy and distract myself, this is what I really wanted my life as 2020 began.

Time

I took a good look at myself today. In the mirror. Not too long but longer than I usually look. Not too long because I couldn’t look any longer. But I was looking – at myself, wondering how and when I started looking like this.

We had an almost-one-year old little guest for dinner today. Looking at her, how she walked non-stop, I dug up old pictures and videos of Abhi and Achu. Kids and I watched little toddler Abhi and Achu in diapers, walking for the first time, crawling over each other, in their cribs, reading, walking for the first time, etc. etc…. And it occurred to me.

How is it that I dont remember much of those times? Where these 7 year old’s ever that small? I couldn’t believe what I was looking at. How come my head is full of so much crap now and I cannot recall that in this very house, in this room, once these two kids slept in their cribs. That they learnt to talk here. I recalled, how they moved from their cribs in our room, to their own twin beds in their room, to bunk beds now. Before I know it, will they be in their own rooms, with separate beds?

Why is everything slipping away so fast? Back to the long look at myself in the mirror tonight, I also found very few pictures of me in those archives. I didn’t look anything like what I look now. Its not the grey hair, its not the dresses I wore then. I know I was going through rough times then too, I know how I felt, but I didn’t look like this. I am not sure its the age.

I think forgetting all of that life, looking like this, they are both connected. I look stressed. Years of stress, surviving, worrying about future, my relationship, feeling that kids are growing up. All the busy-ness. Its surprising that I think often about seasons passing and me still not spending enough time with kids, I still couldn’t recollect those days until I looked at the pictures.

I read the blogs..or globs as they call it… kiddos wrote months ago, and I couldn’t remember writing that. My head is so full of what is going on now.. Work and my relationships.. my biggest worries, that I cant recall living those moments few months ago? Am I that busy? Is life really moving that fast? What else am I missing?

I wish I could post a picture here for you to see. I cant believe I looked like that.. EVER. Its hard to get over how life is overtaken by the two big worries in my life. I am going to be forty in three years. When I am going to live my life? When I am going to be loved? When am I going to pause and remember what is going on now?

The other side

Achu just came downstairs when I was trying to watch a movie. It’s friday night. She doesn’t have to sleep. Today is one of the two nights she can read books all night. Like other nights I just ask her not to come down, because then she will keep distracting herself and will neither sleep nor read.

So she comes down, she knows I will be mad, so she comes prepared. “ Forgive me, I need to get hydrated”. She says that with her hands up in the air. I ask her what’s up with the hands in the air. She says just so you don’t tackle me or something. I laugh out loud. She doesn’t know what tackling means but will use it in anyway. She has also soccer lessons, that’s where she learnt the word.

When she is done filling her bottle,  she surprises me by getting me a glass of water too. Which was very sweet of her. 

She then has an ask. Knowing her I knew it was going to be out some play date or toy. But it wasn’t. She asks – if you need water or anything at all, will you please let me know? 

Maybe she will be kind like this when she grows up, maybe she will be like what I mostly see he now, I don’t know but these kids sti make me laugh everyday and I a thankful for that.

Achu is a good kid!!!

Achu is awesome, hardworking and kind. She has the kindest heart!!! She is helpful. She makes me laugh. She calls me now Babhi. I helped her with legos today. She is not as good as I am, but she is getting better.

[Reading the last line to Achu, Abhi tells her I am not bragging Achu. 😊 Quite sincerely, too]

I will tell you a secret. Tomorrow I am going to do all of Achu’s favorite things. I will make her pancake breakfast in the morning with my dad. And instead of playing ‘Trolls the beat goes on’, on TV, I will play ‘My little pony’ for her. At night, I will let her read books in my part of the bunk bed. We love Achu in our house.

Friendship Is Magic

It’s been a fun couple of days! We went sledding! And I had cocoa with marshmallows! Besides that we have done so many fun stuff! Today, it also snowed! So it was extra fun! And it was also Saturday, so we got to stay home! I was hoping we could have a recipe, but my mommy and daddy wouldn’t let me. A recipe means you can mix together stuff and make something yummy! I hope Sunday will be extra fun too.

I would ask them to buy something with my other $50 but, my mom and dad said no, because it was too snowy. I got the $50 bill I was talking about when I worked hard to do the ITBS test and I just know I am going to pass, even though the results havent come out yet.

And now story about the sledding. It was super snowy and fun. I went in the tube all by myself, a lot of times, but sometimes, amma went with me. I really like the part where you got to go super fast. Here is the picture of the hill where we slide every time. It’s super fun.

And now a story about the hot cocoa with the marshmallows. It was extra sweet since I had it with milk. Marshmallows made it sweeter too. I really hope we dont run out of them because they are so good. And sorry I didn’t tell you this earlier, but now I have to tell you a story about legos. I was bored and I didnt really know what to do, when all of a sudden I got an idea! It was to build legos.

Today, we also went to a yummy restaurant called IBG. Abhi suggested we call it IBG.

In family and friends news, today we found out that our Mittu baby got hurt but she is doing okay. In another friend news, our friend had a baby. Her name is A.

Just now, Abhi showed me an lego act. He is very good at legos. He built a lego man and also a lego sandwich/burger and he put together an act of lego man looking for food and finding the burger buffet and eating it. Then his head fell of. LOL.

Abhi and Achu’s Super Blog

Hello all, Today is a good day to come back to blogging, because I am not the only person writing this post today. Today, I told Abhi and Achu about how I used to blog when they were babies. I even showed them my blog. And because they are awesome readers now, I even gave them my phone so they could read a few posts. Achu read a post about her sixth birthday and few picture posts.

Today is also a special day for us because we have a new awesome kids bunk bed to sleep in. So when we were done assembling the bed and were enjoying it, Abhi and Achu suggested that I should write about the bunk bed in my blog. We even took some pictures for the blog.

So here we are in, sitting on our new bunk bed, the bottom bunk, writing this post.

Over to Abhi and Achu now, lets see what they have to say.

Abhi: First I am going to tell you a comic. Once there was this girl named amma. She took her kids to the toy store. And then she got her son a hypno ring. She got her daughter a bag of donuts. Her son hit hypnotized her with the hypno ring. And then she turned into captain p p pee pants. And then she saved the world from an evil chair that was the spirit that standed for chaos. And then she kicked him and punched and then he was dead. The end of the story. And one more thing. I will just give you a tip about p pee pants. Never underestimate the power of pee. ha ha ha very funny ha ha. By : Abhi

Achu: Is there enough space for me to write? Hello. This is Achu, as you know. Today I have a comic to tell you. Once there was a cute bunny who was very lonely. She asked anyone she could to play with her. But everyone already had their own friends and they said no. Baby bunny was sad. So she went out of her forest school because no one would play with her. And she went of to find her some friends. First, she went to the forest where she met a monkey. But monkey said no to playing with her. Baby bunny really wanted a friend. Now, but nobody would play with her. So baby bunny went deeper into the forest where she found a dog. But the dog was busy and said no. So, baby bunny went the deepest she could into the forest where she found a tiny baby kitten just the same size as her. The baby kitten didn’t have any friends either. So, they bonded and played together. The baby kitten was rich. And all the other animals found excuses to go because they thought baby bunny looked bad or that she didn’t have many toys. So, the baby kitten gave some of her treasures to the little baby bunny. And they were BFFs for life. The end. Baby bunny and baby kitten will give you a tip. Just because someone isn’t very fortunate or fancy, it doesn’t mean, that you should be rude or not be their friend. Bye bye. The end, cutie pies.

There you go, Abhi and Achu’s very first glob (like Abhi says 😀 ). And for the record, here is our awesome new bunk bed. Yayyyyy!

Decorations went on the wall already. Achu stuck some of her colorings on the wall. Abhi moves my Star Wars poster next to the bed. Along with it, he wrote a note on a sticky and stuck it there. If you can’t read it, it says -“ When you like life you can’t stop liking it”. 😂 Pretty profound coming from a six year old, isn’t it?

This and that

Okay. I have no idea what has happened to my intent to blog, this year. With everything that is going on, it’s really at the bottom of my to-do list. Even if I wanted to, I have no idea where to start. I am literally forcing myself to do this today. To write something and click the push button.

∗ Life, currently, is mainly focused on staying alive. Alive at work and home. Office hours, cooking, cleaning, kids activities and their homework, little me time I take for myself in the form of swimming and reading, that is it. That is all of what I am doing back to back, every day for the last couple of months.

∗ Speaking of reading, I have read a bit in the past couple of weeks. I have bookishmuggle.com to thank for that. I pinged A and asked her for personal recommendations. When my mind is so distracted with work and personal stuff, it was so damn hard to focus on reading. She, however, picked the two best books for me. It was fast paced, easy to read and included a lot of dialogue, so I could stay focussed. So once I read Dark Matter and Vicious, I got into a rhythm, Now I find myself trying to stay awake at night to read. After that I finished Fantastic Beasts and where to find them screenplay, The Graveyard Book and currently reading To the bright edge of the world. 

∗ Now that I have said it aloud, my book reading is going to be jinxed again. I know that.  😦 That’s what happens every time. Plus this time, there is even a reason. My project at work is getting to the prod/live stage tomorrow, and its going to keep me busy and my mind super stressed. I hate how I cannot separate work from personal life. Even my dreams are of work. I wake up constantly in the middle of the night, and most of the times, I am already thinking about work or having some work related dream. Those of you who can sleep well, I so envy you. 🙂

∗ Coming to other ‘me’ activity, swimming is going good. With new schedule changes, my schedule took a hit and I am only going to swim now, once a week (Instead of 2-3 times a week, which was awesome). It’s still an activity I love very much. I am trying to build stamina so I can swim more than one lap in a stretch, but it’s just too hard for me. I must not give up.

∗ Abhi and Achu are growing up and they are still so amazing. More challenging than before, but amazing. I have said this before, and I will say this again. Whoever said it that as kids grow up it gets easy, is lying. Physical work, may be. But overall, it does not. There are bigger and more important things to worry as kids grow-up. I long for those hard physical work days. They were much more fun that worrying about their attitude now. I know this is probably easier than the worries in the future. 🙂

Still though, they both drive me crazy in many many ways, but lots of things have changed too. Coming to accomplishments, they are amazing readers now. They both have learned to bike. Achu more than Abhi, in both cases. I was doing laundry this afternoon and noticed there was some 20 minutes of silence in the house. They were reading. Library is one of their favorite places. We checkout a crazy number of books. Because of the thousand or more kids books we have throughout the house, it’s a big task to find these library books every time. 🙂

They are also pretty good at writing now. I am teaching them math too. We are at double/triple digit additions and subtractions. Even if we all had a long day, we are trying to sit at least 2-3 times a week to practice. They are learning to swim as well. And that’s once activity they love. They have also enjoyed water time so much on our second Hawaii trip.

Here is Abhi at the library today. They spent about an hour, finding and reading books, while I happily read mine. Wish this time was part of our week routine.

Thats few updates for now. Next few days are going to be crazy, I assume. I am waiting for Christmas break hoping days will get better.

Just Keep Swimming

Today seems like a good day to force myself to write something to cheer me up. Off the topics that I want to write about, my parents trip this year, is definitely there at the top. But unfortunately, writing about that is going to make me sad. Because in the two and half months they were here, I didn’t have the day that I had today. The day where I question my life choices, my state of life and how life is moving with me constantly feeling lonely, not able to follow my choice of staying home for kids and the depression that results from all of this. If my parents did see me down, even for a bit, they would just come, talk and help me snap out of it.

I am watching this show now, Young & Hungry on Netflix, it’s a funny show. I see how this gal always has a best friend and ton of people to help her out, each time she gets into trouble. I know its made-up but we all need people like that in this world. How are we supposed to survive alone? It’s too hard.
Anyway, writing anymore about my parents trip today, will only drag my depression day into depression night. So I will have to go with the thing that bought me plenty of happiness and satisfaction over the last few months. Swimming. I am smiling already as I type now. 🙂

Learning to swim has been a longggggg dream of mine. I am very scared of water. Plus, not able to do things by myself is a biggest problem of mine. So, I never got around to enrolling myself for lessons. Finally I found someone who could go with me, and started taking couple of lessons. Given my fear of water (yes, even in 4 feet deep pool 🙂 ), and the way I am learning things, I struggled so much in my initial lessons and practice. I have to say, nothing comes to me easy. I have to work hard to get anything in my life. So I knew that despite my performance and fear in the initial lessons, I needed to keep going and keep practicing. And so, with or without company, I made it to the pool at least 2-3 times a week.

Over summer, I finally started to go to the pool by myself, again 2-3 times a week and I have come to SO LOVE it. Its my go-to thing now. If I could go every day, I would. I don’t know what it is. There is something amazing with water therapy. Many of the times, I go to the pool sleepy or tired, and I come out fresh and awake. The water is so good for mood therapy. 🙂

When it comes to practice, like I said, I struggled so much. To learn to be able to let go of fears and my brain working against floating or kicking, it took work for me. I amused a lot of people watching me swim in the pool – the way I would sink and come up, and keep going. 🙂 But the important thing you see is : I persisted. 🙂

Once I was able to comfortably float, I learnt to backstroke. And it is my go to style now. If I am tired with other things, I go to backstroke. Free style was the one that stressed me out mostly. For days, I would go there, and my mind wouldn’t let me go more than an arm rotation. I would panic so much and not even try. I even avoided going to the pool. This is where having company helped me. It was good to have some push from my friend and finally one day, I did a full lap without stopping and my joy knew no bounds. 😀

Having learnt few more techniques, most of my lap runs are half free style and half backstroke. I do squeeze in easy swims once in a while. I call this, Old Indian movie princess swim technique. You probably have seen one in movie and know what I am talking about. 🙂

I have to mention the amazing and surprising gain with swimming… hoping it wouldn’t get jinxed – Trimming fat around my hip and legs. Swimming takes work, no doubt. But I didn’t really imagine me getting some nice toning around my stomach. Since I gave birth, I havent felt some of these muscles that I could feel again now. Thank you Swimming. 🙂 This again, has been a huge motivator to keep me in the pool. 🙂

What I have established as a routine for me now, is to swim 20-30 laps each time. I am able to do this in 30 mins. I am really proud I can do this. But guess what I saw last weekend at the pool fitness exercise: Someone’s routine included warm-up, which is what I do * 5 times. And three sets of this. And this was only the warm-up. After this, there was a set which had crazy numbers and then a main Set with more crazier numbers. I couldn’t believe someone could do that. May be they are training for Iron Man. It is crazy. It is definitely motivating to see these folks or even others who have much better stamina than I do.

But I do fine by myself too, I should take credit for even getting here. Earlier months in the pool, I used to look at few people in the pool and silently wish I could swim like that. Guess what, I have folks stopping me once in a while to tell me I am swimming good and they wish they were swimming like me. I act humble and all, but that’s always nice to hear. LOL. I worked so hard to get here.

What else is wonderful with swimming… Thanks to the continued pool routine, my stamina is much better. This year, when I went hiking, I could go longer stretches without stopping. I also stepped into actual swimming clothes. I love that I am able to fit into one size small of these now. (Please don’t get jinxed, please don’t get jinxed 😉 ). Oh also, guys I meet at the pool, who have conversations with me – its fun to do that too. LOL, again. I recently bought a waterproof headphone set as well, and that’s helping too. Now, if we are travelling somewhere I find a hotel with pool, so kids and I can have extra fun.

While I can swim comfortably in a pool, I am still scared of deep waters. The only reason I can swim now is because I know I can stand whenever I want. Recently we were at a swim lake, and while I could try swim around and had my dad encouraging me, I chickened out and didn’t swim. Maybe I need someone to swim with me, so I have some help and am comfortable. Hmm, when will that happen!

Anyway, my win this year is learning to swim. It was my new year resolution for many years and I finally checked it off this year. I am super proud that I worked super hard to get to where I am right now. Touch wood, hopefully water continues to fix my mood like it does now and so I can stay sane. I am kind of wishing I was there right now. I am already dreaming of next time I am in Hawaii, I can be in the water feeling better. I will still wear my life jacket though. 😀

I don’t have any pictures of me in the pool, I only have an old video when I was learning free style, but I will post this instead here. I saw this at the store and I SO wish I can go swim here. 🙂

So there you go, that’s all about my little victory.

Turning Six!!!

It’s taking couple of times for me, these days, to complete a post. This is my third attempt o finish this post. True, I come and update this line and number every time I start writing. 😆

Summer is almost done here, kids are heading back to school tomorrow. I can’t believe it. I say it so many times , but it’s so true. Time flies. It’s so scary. It just feels like yesterday I dropped them off for their first day of kindergarten. And see now, tomorrow they are heading to first grade.

And it’s just the same way I feel about how years are passing by. Abhi and Achu turned six in July.

Little more grownup and more conscious about their birthday, I let them celebrate the day with their friends. They decided fun was the theme of the party this year. (When isn’t it fun for these kids? 😊 )

This years birthday party was also the first time I chose to keep it low-budget and teach them about saving money. I told them they could pick three friends each, and so they did. Money wise, I also told them about budget, made them aware of how much we are spending for items we bought. Also told them that some money we don’t spend today is what they will be saving to use on their next Hawaii trip. I am not sure if it will be the same for their next birthdays, but this year, they agreed. 😃

So, in spirit of low budgeted fun theme birthday, we did extend the birthday to more than the day of the birthday. We went to watch a movie with Tatha and Pati. We watched Incredibles.

We went on a birthday hike, as well. This is probably the biggest accomplishment of the year. This is the second year I took them on this hike. It’s not natural for any kid to be motivated to walk long distances, so with some coaxing, they did fine. 😊

The day of the party, was all at our home. Kids friends arrived before lunch. I gave them all some play time before seeing lunch. For birthday lunch, I gave them couple of options, all home-made.

Post lunch was movie time. Kids actually jotted down couple of options for their friends. And Achu conducted a vote. Jumanji won. 😃 It was quite a sight to see all kids enjoying the movie.

The real fun began after the movie. We have a small inflatable pool that I kept ready for kiddos to play in, along with lots of water toys. It was such fun to hear the giggles and laughs; All the running around and water splashing.

I didn’t realize with kids pool party idea, that I would have so many kids to help clean up. 😃 Luckily my parents helped and we got everybody ready in time for cake cutting.

Abhi and Achu picked the cake themselves the day before. It was a swiss chocolate cake; This is them trying to convince each other what cake to buy. Couple of days ago when we were discussing what we want written on the cake, I said how about happy birthday Monkey and Puppy. And that stuck. I was totally joking when I suggested that, somehow kids went with it. 😊

After that, some of their friends started leaving but few stayed back and they all had good time chatting in the front yard.

Birthday day also happened to be their swimming lesson, which they love and they got to do that fun thing as well. Temple and dinner later, birthday fun was done. 😊

I hope I made it good fun for them, and made them see we don’t always need to spend money to have fun. Of course now they have money saved to spend on our next trip, I jus hope they remember the lessons I am trying to teach them.

Picture Post

Because it is hard to write and a picture post is easy to do.

Starting with divine things. Doing the Satyanarayana Swamy Vratham has become an yearly ritual. While it usually happens in Winter time, this year, since my parents are here, I wanted to do this with them. Not only that they could participate, my dad officiated the pooja, so its extra special. 🙂

Park trips have been made mandatory since last year, so this is another new thing for us. After dinner or in the morning, we drive them here every day. Luckily two parks near home have been renovated. One of them even had new ziplines installed, which kids love.

Reading has taken a hit this Summer. I had lot of plans for kids Summer break, this year. But given that they are staying home full-time with grandparents, any kind of schedule is ruled out. Its free choice time always. But its nice to see them find a book and read for few minutes at least, all by themselves.

Given the full day free choice time, I signed kids up for evening classes. So Monday and Thursday, they go to a Martial Arts class. Not sure what they are learning, but Achu is inventing her own moves. They both are signed up for Swimming class on Tuesdays which they love and is the only class, they actually want to go to. 🙂 Wednesday’s is music class, which again is not an exact favorite. But its nice to see Achu pickup few things here. She even performed a small bit in the temple with rest of her group.

When you are home for the whole Summer, its wonderful to have a playdate partner. Aka its wonderful to have twins or siblings to play with. Abhi and Achu spend most of their time together and come up with billion different creative ways to play. Here is them camping in the front yard. Not an usual choice, but its what they would do.

They even took this a step forward to camp here overnight. 🙂 I have to agree with them, this was fun. 🙂

Achu organized a yard sale, selling things I paid money for. 😀 She sold few for pennies. While she went out of her way to roam around the neighborhood and tell people she is having a sale, luckily the only person who bought stuff was Abhi. Again with my money, buying our own toys. 😀

I took my parents and kiddos out to my office and then lunch at Commons. As if I didn’t have enough to do, Achu gave me this extra work.

When I got back from London, I got kids this 500 piece London city jigsaw puzzle. Although kids lost interest , I found a new hobby. It took me a week to finish this, working on and off in the evenings. I went ahead and bought new puzzles and now this is my go-to thing at home. My latest one is a 1000 piece beach treasure fun.