I constantly wonder. Isn’t there more to life than this? A full time job, completely busy life and busy mind. Every minute of my awake time occupied with work thoughts or worries. Asleep time, subconsciously worrying about work or something else. Is this it? Is it how it’s supposed to be for the rest of our lives? We work all the hours, put some money in bank, spend what little time we can with kids, wait for weekends, dream of finding that balance. Is this really all how it’s going to be?
Now, please don’t get me wrong. I am already feeling guilty typing these words and I know lots of people in the world have it way worse.
I mean, yes. I am grateful I have a good paying job. That I am healthy. So are my family. And kids. That I have a roof over our my head. I am grateful. But it’s been years that I have been feeling overwhelmed, anxious and unhappy every single time. The wait for weekends and sunday night troubles are 100% real.
The only time I have probably felt good about my work is when I am away from it for a considerable amount of time ( which is once or twice in few years) or when something worse has happened and it finally ended.
That’s my question. Is this how it’s supposed to be? Should I be just grateful and not ask for more? Should I think that as humans we are all just supposed to be living these many hours of our life at work and retire one day. Too deep, I know.
Am I not supposed to invest more time and quality into my kids? Aren’t they the best investment of my time and effort? Or if I do that am I going to regret not having enough money and stability in future? Well based on how I felt the last couple of years, I am going to worry then anyway.
I had thoughts of quitting my job. Everyone around me thought I was crazy. Everyone. I couldn’t find a single soul who thought that was a good idea. Even my parents didn’t support that. So I gave up on my idea of quitting, freeing my mind and spending better quality time with kids.
I wasn’t happy where I was, so I moved to a different team. Even if I didn’t want to work, I can’t be not good at what I do. In fact that’s what bothers me that I am not great. That I could be better. But I don’t have the energy. Atleast that’s what I think it is.
Even with the new job, me being in a good space in my career, there is no end to my anxiety and stress. Everything that I am causing myself. The worry that takes away my ability to spend quality time with the kids. That meeting, that problem, that live site. It’s all there is in my head.
See what I mean. Is it better that I get my kids full attention and fun childhood or be stressed and give them money. How do I do both?
Mediation helps, if I can focus and let myself relax. Few moments of time with kids also helps, if I can train my brain to stop thinking about expectations and worries.
I realized recently quitting isn’t an option. Finally did. My best friends and family ask me to take it easy at work. I can’t. I have to be more than good or it won’t matter. I also realized that I need to tell myself a different story about how I approach work every day. If I think it’s a battle everyday, I can’t survive anymore. I like designing software but is it my true lifelong passion? No, it’s not. So how do I stop getting into that , ‘oh god, it’s another work day’ mode? How do I go into work thinking I am going to do something I enjoy and not be anxious about everyday? How many more Ted talks do I watch before something actually changes and I behave different ly. How do I tell myself a different story in my mind about work? How?